Chris Meets His Match! Winston Quentin Shambler
By Mad Fireman, PVCC, Dec 2009
"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."
Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832)
Chris was at his house as usual playing his Playstation 3, if play means just going to Playstation Store and downloading fucking everything. He sat diligently as he maxxed out his PSN wallet to buy everything and make sure everything was downloaded.
He was supposed to draw more Sonichu comics, but he was still feeling steamed after everybody compared asperger's with autism. A few months earlier he had finished writing on the CWCipedia his stance against asperger's and how much better he was since he was actually austistic. He was still feeling angry about this minor issue and milked it as an excuse to not draw anymore comic pages here and there.
But as he was buying another disc-based game add-on off the Playstation store, he heard the doorbell ring. His dad was out of the house for a bit to get a few groceries while Barb was asleep like a brick. The doorbell rang for about 5 minutes until Chris became sick of hearing it enough to walk downstairs and answer the door.
"Who is it!?" Chris shouted as he opened the door.
Chris was dumbfounded at what he saw. He was face-to-face with what appeared to be a different, sweaty manchild with a yellow and orange t-shirt with a strange-looking character's mugshot printed on the front of it. The other manchild also had a strange pair of plaid pants and an afro, even though he wasn't African at all.
"Wh- who are you supostah be?" Chris asked feeling annoyed.
"I am Winston Quentin Shambler, alias Wilbert, aspie with rage and da True an Honest creator ov Mario Potter, da plumber wizard boy." This new manchild said composing himself awkwardly.
"Wh-wat do you want wif me?" Chris said feeling more annoyed.
"I am heer tuday tah make a stand for all da aspies everywhere an such!" Winston said calmly. "I will teach you not to make fun of us an such things and I will then return to my home and play more of my Xbox 360 and continue ta buy mah Xbox Live vidya gaems."
Chris's laziness kicked in more than his false sense of pride in having autism. He started to criticize Winston.
"Look, I dunno who you are but ah don't care an such. You look l-like you haven't showered in days an you need ta grow up!" Chris muttered to Winston.
"I'll hav ya kno I hava number ov pairs of DIRTY, CRAPPED BOXERS!" Winston yelled responding to the remark on not showering.
"Dats disgusting!" Chris shouted out hypocritically.
"You're gonna pay for dat!" Winston uttered in a similar way, only with some annoyance. Winston pulled a monkey wrench out of his pants and held it in the air.
"Avada kedavera!" Winston shouted waving the monkey wrench in the air. Chris looked confused at why he was doing this.
"You're suppostah bee curs'd now!" Winston whined noticing nothing happened to Chris.
"Why are you stil heer?" Chris whined.
"Immad dat you insulted da aspies by comparing us to da back ov a cow an udder such tings." Winston said putting away his monkey wrench in his strange pants. "I was mad at you and such so ah moved my house to an apartment here in C-ville wif mah parents."
There was an awkward moment of silence.
"Wanna see mah Mario Potter scrapbook?" Winston asked as he pulled out a binder from behind him. "Look, deres Mario Potter, da plumber wizard boy attendin da Hawgwerts school in WQSville [wucks ville], Ohio. I came up wit hem wen I was in high school-"
"I dunt wana see your Mario Potter an such. Now go way an getta life!" Chris shouted with more hypocrisy.
"Now itsson!" Winston shouted pointing at Chris. "I'll have ya know I gots an account on da YouTube an I'm gona take you on for da aspies!" Winston turned around and marched home.
Upon arriving home, Winston went into his room to turn on his 360. After making sure he bought all the latest things from Xbox Live, he turned on his Xbox Live Vision camera as he logged into his YouTube channel WinstonQShambler. After logging in, he stood in front of the camera to speak.
"Captain's log, stardate..."
Winston made a captain's log video and uploaded it to his WinstonQShambler account addressing Chris. But since he was so similar to Chris in terms of thinking, Chris never actually saw the video on YouTube. It was only a few months later that Winston paid Chris another visit.
Winston drove there in his Honda with a hand-drawn bumper sticker on the back reading "My other car is a Fireflower 3000" with a picture of a crudely-drawn broomstick on the right of the text. He exit the car and rang the doorbell. He stood there angrily for 5 minutes ringing it until Chris answered it.
"Its... its you- ar you a slow-in-da-head or wat?" Chris asked him. There was no way Chris could forget Winston since he was such a character.
"I, Winston Quentin Shambler, camed... to um... cha- challenge you fer dah aspies!" Winston said restating himself. "I am gannuh challen- take ya on in being a more creative and better man an such."
"Hmm. Yeh." Chris mumbled to himself not really listening.
"So dats why whoever gets a heartsweet first will win da challenge! Ah wil proove tah ya dat da aspies are dah bettar ones dan da awtisticks, always hoggin dah limelight from dah aspies an such-"
Chris knew as soon as he heard heartsweet that he wanted to take him on. After all, he thought to himself that he was Christian Weston Chandler, the True and Honest creator of Sonichu, the totally cool and creative character, while on the other hand, Winston Quentin Shambler was the creator of some lame rip-off hybrid character of Mario and Harry Potter.
"I will win dah victory for dah awtistiks!" Chris yelled at Winston. "I will get ah heartsweet an fir- I'll be dah first one and eberyting. You'll lose den!"
"You're on! I'll get a heartsweet furst, an I'll be dah furst wit dah sweet precious Mongolia!"
Winston departed with his gauntlet thrown in. The challenge was to get a girlfriend first, and both challengers were self-delusional enough to think they had a shot at it. Who was going to win?
Winston drove off in his Honda with a plan on getting a girl. Since he thought Chris was a completely ugly freak and he, Winston, on the other hand, was a swave and smooth gentleman, he would beat Chris at this challenge easily, possibly by the end of the day.
So Winston drove home and grabbed his markers and a posterboard. He then drew an off-proportion picture of Mario Potter smiling and holding his monkey wrench with a hand three times the size of his other hand while on the other side of the poster Winston drew Mario Potter's love interest, Princess Ginneach. She was in bad proportion as well, with a wrench in hand in a similar manner, only the wrench had a glowing pink heart at the top.
Between the two characters on the posterboard, Winston left a blank white box with a border drawn in by Rose Art markers. Inside he wrote in his crude handwriting:
The posterboard wrote: Single straight male age 29 seeking single girl age 18 to 29 to transform into a true lover from the bottom up. Anybody else reading this except the marrieds or orientals can go jump off a bridge!
With that written out, there was a large blank below the text, where Winston drew in a massive arrow pointing to the side; this was the side of the posterboard he planned to sit next to. With his poster finished, he drove off to K-Mart to get started.
Chris, on the other hand, was in the process of making a YouTube video.
"Captain's Log. Stardate XX/XX/20XX. Ah hab ben making ste- st- sum progres in dah battel four dah awtistecks an udder such tings. Dat is whai I need to beat dat slanderous aspie Winston Quentin Sh- Something as ah dunt care for such nonsense as he does. I needah getuh girlfriend before dat Winston can so bee shor tah com on tah mah house in persin onleh!!! I will beet dah aspies an sush tings. You hab tah help meh. Peace an haba gud day."
With his skipping video finished straight off his PS3, he uploaded it to YouTube thinking he had a huge advantage. After all, he was Christian Weston Chandler, the true creator of Sonichu, while Winston Quentin Something was a loser who shit his boxers and associated his entire life with Mario Potter or something.
Winston sat next to the sign he drew of Mario Potter at the Charlottesville mall expecting results. They banned him from the mall in Cleavland for pulling this stunt off eight times, which angered him because he thought on the ninth time it would work for sure. But now he had a new shot here, in a different state, to loiter around to his heart's content.
After sitting down on a bench, nobody bothered to come to him first to see him. He was expecting a swarm of supermodels to have at least rubbed themselves against him by this point. But three hours had passed, and he was bored, so he picked up his sign and went home.
At the same time, Chris sat around in his home doing jack shit, other than making a video every two days on how much he needed a girlfriend before Winston could get one.
Winston continued arriving for the next few days and even attracting attention from women by tying a heart to a string and throwing it at the most attractive women he could find at the mall. He was too cheap to find construction paper to make a heart with, so he used a pair of his dirty crapped boxers to cut out a heart from the pattern printed on them.
After two weeks, Winston was looking for another girl at the mall to throw the heart to, until he bumped into somebody.
"We've received reports that you've been hassling and harassing customers." The mall cop who bumped into Winston said with his arms crossed as he looked down at him.
"NO! I hab bun doing mah INNOSENT and GENYUEEN attrakshen ritshuels to get wit dah womminz!" Winston whined.
"If you're not going to stop doing this, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The cop said as two other cops in matching uniforms surrounded Winston and crossed their arms.
"Goh away yue, yue... POLIDIOTS!" Winston flailed. His action was seen as a possible attack and the mall cops restrained him. To him, this felt like the sub-episode in Mario Potter where he loitered around the mall until the polidiots came and fought against him. But in that comic, they were no match for his plumber wizardry.
That's when it hit Winston; he pulled an arm free and yanked out his monkey wrench. The cops thought he was going to use it to hit them, but Winston waved it and chanted some magic words.
"Poliditi hamekeus!" Winston shouted intending a suppression spell to come forth and restrain the mall cops. But nothing happened as he was strapped to a wheelchair while raging and flailing.
After a short period, Chris pretty much forgot about Winston since he hadn't seen him in so long. Chris forgot he existed as he continued to play Little Big Planet as the days passed. It wasn't long until he found another gal-pal online interested in becoming his girlfriend.
It was after learning he had a shot at her that Chris remembered the challenge against Winston and wanted to go rub it into his face, and he knew the only way to do that was by making a new YouTube video and expecting Winston to automatically see it since he was so famous and all.
A few days later, Winston was given a warning since it was his first offense at that mall. He was allowed to come and go shop as he pleased, but more of his antics and he would be banned. Who could blame them? After all, they already had their hands full a few years back with some other guy who acted a lot like him.
Winston groaned and was released home as he walked into his Harry Potter and Mario-themed room. He pulled up the chair at his wooden desk and began to draw new pages of Mario Potter reflecting on how he, Winston Quentin Shambler, the intrusive narrator, was kicked out of yet another mall.
After drawing half a page with hardly any actual drawings on it and a massive wall of text, Winston decided to use his Xbox 360 to buy everything on Xbox Live again. After everything downloaded and his credit was raped once again, Winston felt like using the computer. He turned it on and gave YouTube a visit under his WinstonQShambler account to see on his subscriptions that Chris made a new video titled "CWC's New Girlfriend!" Frantically, Winston struggled to keep his mouse steady from his shaking hand as he clicked the video still to start watching.
"Hello mah fandase. Ah hab gowten a new gal pal who loves me an sush. Her naim is Stacey..." Chris began to say proudly.
"But dah... dah im- important ting is dat," Chris started to say raising his nasally voice. "I beat dat DANG SLANDEROUS ASPIE, WINSTON!! QUENTIN!! SOMETHING!!"
Just after that, the monitor hit the wall. How DARE that autistic moron not remember his full name! After all, he was the amazing Winston Quentin Shambler, the mastermind behind the entire Mario Potter franchise, while Christian was just some fat moronic failure who lived with his parents.
But worst part of all was that (as far as he knew) Chris got the sweet Mongolia before he could.
This settled it for him. Winston grabbed his red and black monkey wrench (the one he painted with acrylics that he only used when he was REALLY mad) and stormed out of his room to go confront Chris and settle their differences once and for all.
Winston drove in his beat up Honda to Chris's house to finally get a piece of him. He stowed his black and red monkey wrench in his pants so it would be ready to grab quickly when the time arose.
After getting to Chris's house as fast as the speed limit allowed him to go, he got off his car again and knocked on the door with his monkey wrench.
Given the shape Winston was in, the knock wasn't very strong or loud. Winston knocked five times over three minutes until he realized he could just use the doorbell. That felt like a slow-in-the-mind moment for him as he quickly rang the doorbell with his fat finger like a bullet from a poorly-drawn Luger hitting a human shinbone.
Chris arrived at the door almost looking aggressive; he was only annoyed because he had to stop playing his Playstation 3 for a few moments to answer the door.
"Ets yew agen!" Chris whined when he saw that slanderous Winston.
"Yus, you shuldunt hab mesd wit me! Now yew gottah deal wit me in da... um- final sho- show- battle showdown!"
Winston used his clumsy hands to pull out his monkey wrench over a drawn-out, awkward period of ten seconds. It was safe to say if Winston ever got caught in a dark alley with only his wrench, he wouldn't last very long.
After Winston pulled out the wrench into his right hand, Chris was already coming forward with his slow fist. He struck Winston on the jaw with terrible form, but the impact on Winston's weak body said he was facing an opponent as powerful as he was.
The strike on Winston's jaw felt like he was hit in the face with a flying Cadillac. Winston toppled over, but he wasn't out.
"I gatta little Chun-Li in me!" Chris said with a weak smile as he bent over and gave a peace sign in a horrible attempt to be Wapanese.
Winston stood up and held his wrench up high. He had a grim look on his face as he waved the wrench.
"Abadah kedavebwa awa kazzaim!" Winston yelled as he waved the wrench and then aimed it at Chris.
"Now yoh cursd an yule neber get marryd tah Stacey an shell leeb yah and yule be ah lonley autistick birgin foreber!" Winston said explaining what happened with his spell, even though nothing really happened. Not that Winston would need magic to make any of those happen.
"Notso fasst! Ah can counter yer spell wit mah anti curse!" Chris exclaimed as he spun around trying to make some sort of counter spell happen and hit Winston instead. If things went as Chris planned, Winston would somehow magically shit outside his pants as well as piss himself.
Winston panicked thinking Chris could really counteract his magic, so he himself spun around trying to counteract Chris's counter spell. After Winston tried to spin faster than Chris thinking that faster spinning meant the spell was working faster, he lost grip of his monkey wrench and threw it into a random direction.
"OW!" A young body-builder yelled out as he felt a huge bump in his head. He grabbed the wrench when he noticed it and then looked at the two startled manchildren across the street staring in horror.
He approached them with the wrench and an angry face that scared both of them shitless.
"Which of you guys threw the wrench?" He yelled.
Winston and Chris immediately pointed at each other.
"It waz him, da aspie!" Chris explained pointing at Winston in a rare moment of honesty. "He spun dah wrench an hit you in dah noggin! I personally tink da- tink dat all game controllers shud come wit a custom fitted wrest strap tah prevent dis ting an sush."
"Well, you know what I think?" The man asked them. He then stood back and threw the monkey wrench through a window on Chris's house. It flew straight through the window of Chris's room and hit the PS3 with a strong enough impact to shatter the case open and render it completely unusable. The hard drive was even bent within the case as the monkey wrench was lodged inside it.
Winston tried to run away with his amazing speed. He thought he was just like the girl from Mirror's Edge. But the muscular man caught him by the back of his shirt. Winston thought he had to have been able to run faster than a bullet train to be able to catch somebody as fast as him.
It was there that Winston had the beating of his life while Chris walked inside to discover his broken PS3 and cry.
Later that evening, Winston limped home with serious injuries. He got to his room and remembered the promise he was forced to make about moving away back to Ohio or else he'd get another beating from the muscular man. Winston had a few weeks to get a U-Haul truck and a few hundred dollars left from his own tugboat.
But until then, he was going to sit down and play his 360. Winston sat down to turn on his console and was ready to buy everything that was new, until he was struck with the worst possible thing that ever happened to him in his entire life. Winston screamed as he saw it. It was...
The Red Ring of Death