I never thought it would happen to me. Anything spooky, that is. I thought I would live a good life, you know? working 9 to 5, retire at 65, go to a vacation home with the wife. Well, those plans are ruined now. I thought I knew what life was all about. I knew the ins and outs of daily life. I thought... now I don't think. I do not think primarily because I am dead. But I wish to help you avoid the same fate I have received by relaying information to you that I have through an electronic medium known as the internet. Information that will help you understand what steps you must take to not be inconvenienced by a beast of great stature, as to the stature of the beast that hath defeated me. For mine own life hath been ended by none other than the vicious claws of the superfluously placed beast that hath ended the existence that previously belonged to me in which I resided upon the planet earth within the universe that I will assume you exist within, for you are reading a work of nonfiction that is contained within the universe that I previously existed within.
I used to love jazz music. I could tap my toes for hours to the sweet noise of jazz. I was listening to my favorite kind of melodic sound during the day. the sun resided due east, slightly above the horizon. I had produced a breakfast consisting of fifteen cut segments of a loaf of wheat loaf. I was consuming this large amount of bread loaf due to the fact that my diet did not contain enough protein and I was attempting to create a higher balance of protein in my diet, that I shall not die a death similar to that of my father, for he was murdered by a moving vehicle commonly referred to by humans as a "truck". Upon a specific moment in time during the time whilst I was consuming the cut peaces of loaf bread, my cellular communications device emitted a noise with the intention of relaying to me the information that someone by the name of "mum" wishes to speak to me, and that I need merely accept their invitation to engage in conversation, then we may speak. But I did not accept the call, for the last sentence was too long. the phone let out a noise again, and I promptly chose to accept the call. Upon placing my cellular communications device to my head I began to hear Breathing similar to that of the heartiest Dorito munching obesity-man possible. The boisterously obesely styled breathing did not cause any surprise to me, for my mother had recently broken all of her fingers in a tragic acid trip and was often out of breath because of this. But after an interval of time equal to the time that I spent having a conversation with my mother on that particular day, my mother ended the conversation by pressing a button on her cellular communications device that ceases communications with other communications devices. I was baffled by the end of my conversation. My mom never ends conversations, she has no fingers!
At this point I was really scared. I tried calling me mum back but it didn't go through! It didn't go through! I tried a third time, and threw my phone at the wall when it didn't work. My phone stabbed me for that. my phone stabbed me right in the chest. God, it hurt! but I thought nothing of it, because that would be rude. I ran out the door to my car. and fired up the engine. I drove as fast as I could to the residence of my mother. I didn't care if I got in a wreck on the way! I flew into my mothers driveway slightly incapacitating her garage door, by crashing into it. I ran to the door and gave a hearty knock. I heard footsteps inside. The footsteps I heard were not of my mother, they were something much more. I could hear the footsteps say "Fresh off the squeeze!", possibly in reference to a glass of lemonade that resided near my point of standing. Wait a minute! I noticed just then that I was surrounded by lemonade. The door opened. I saw a small child in the doorway. The child looked at me and said "I'm a poo". I was confused, and then enlightened when the boy began to melt. I was astonished. this child possesses abilities comparable to the abilities which I possess. this child is clearly my successor. I realize my fate and then pull my amazingly concealed weapon and place it to my head. I fire, but miss. it is hard to aim a weapon that is out of your range of vision. My weapon instead killed an onlooking pedestrian and I was promptly arrested and sentenced to death. But my death sentence was to no avail, because of the amount of protein I had consumed that day. Eventually my phone stopped stabbing me, and I bled out. I am dead now.
I hope that you do not suffer a fate similar to that which I hath received. what you must do is consume excessive amounts of protein on a daily basis in order to receive invincibility. it is a proven fact. I now exist within a plain dominated by the sauce of red. I wish to leave, but I know I never can without the aid of the king of Ontario. Remember to never perform gymnastics.