It all started one day when the great space milf/hooker by night took a shit in the middle of nowhere that was quickly devoured by the mighty turtle dick. The turtle exploded into a bunch of floating dicks in space. The dicks formed into a cosmic energy, forming a god known as Tim. Tim was not alone in this new world of dicks though, he had a rival known as Alex Steele. Tim cursed Alex with a really fucking depressing outlook on life. This curse was so heavy, it inspired Tim to masturbate and produce everyone in the world. However this produced a byproduct, a more powerful being. Tim dubbed this human his only biological child. His child was born Russian and loved singing. Tim was proud of his amazing child. Alex was still in dejection, he grew more and more depressed. He started making people afraid to kid around with him and became socially inept. Alex was not welcome in the new dick world, so he decided to be an ass and make the planet round instead of dick shaped, and gave women free will. All that shit about black people being from the devil isn't true, Tim actually made black people so white people would feel terrible about not running fast/jumping high/having a decent sized penis.
The conflict between Tim and Alex really lit up when Tim dropped his mountain dew bottle and Alex tried to get it for him. Tim was outraged and appalled at this act of heresy, so they endured fierce combat. Alex was a dick like usual and was actually so pathetic it melted off all of the good lord's skin and muscle fibers. Tim fought back by condemning Alex to the farthest recesses of space where he hit the sun and exploded.
Tim now resides on Earth as a common Earth skellington, having parties and drinking the good dew in his place of worship, a Pizza Hut. Tim is a skellington and has a ribcage that had a dip in the middle of it, though the dip was not as deep as Josh's. Tim dubbed the dip heavenly, rightfully so as all who achieve this such level of holy fortitude are eaten alive by the rabid chest termites that live inside of Tim's asshole.
The story of Stanley the giraffe had then began on one day when Tim was sick of some Jehovah witnesses coming up to Pizza Hut kingdom and asking Tim to believe in their racist religion. The god sought after the most powerful mercenary known to man... Stanley the Giraffe. This giraffe was no ordinary giraffe. He had the power to attack gods with his machinegun arm with his floaties, and tiger striped Speedo. Stanley is an asexual-reproducing male. Each generation grows stronger than the one before. Stanley's father, Stanley 1.0, was a giraffe with giant biceps that couldn't move. He could only smash stuff in front of his body with them. Stanley 2.0 on the other hand has learned to move his arms and can now swim which makes him almost unstoppable against gods. The only disability of Stanley 2.0 is that he cannot kill the gods, only mortally wound them. Anyways, Tim the god among kings hired Stanley 2.0 and had paid him off with the legendary title of " the giraffe that always watches." Tim had also given Stanley a Twinkie that allows the holder or consumer of the Twinkie the power to kill gods.
After Stanley 2.0 had been hired, he had trained his specially picked assassins to destroy the Jehovah witnesses and their religious leader. Learning all their moves and watching for their weaknesses. The specially trained assassins Stanley had picked to fight the Mormons are: Horse Mask Man, N-League, Skyrim Dragon Head Guy, Bearshark, and the Hotdog Men Mafia. As Stanley looked at his hired army of Negros, Hotdogs and other mythical creatures, he realized that this battle would be an epic battle of sorts and would need to make an advancement soon or else his strategy plan of attacking while they send out the Jehovah witneses for the concuring of the day. Stanley's plan was simple the Hotdog men mafia would attack the front gate while the Jehovah witnesses were coming out, while the N-league and Bearshark would attack the back of the castle destroying their prison encampment freeing millions of creatures and Hotdog men mafia members. Stanley, Horse mask man, and Skyrim Dragon Head guy swam thru the Mormon's moat into the sewer system and further into the main castle. Stanley's plan had worked HMM, SDH and his self had broken into the castle without attracting any attention to them selves. But what Stanley had not accounted for was the amount of guards guarding the King Jehovah. Then Stanley realized that the King Mormon was only Sergio "the man from the jungle". As Stanley questioned Sergio, he realized that Sergio and the Sergio imposters were not the kings and occupants of this castle, but really hired for protection by Duck council. However he being Stanley, he decided to kill Sergio in an epic battle.
Stanley and Sergio entered an arena that looked liked a mexican mission. He loaded his machine gun arm with a full clip of ammo and decided not to go easy on Sergio. The count down timer rang down 10..9..8..7..6..fuck it...1, and Sergio threw a punch at Stanley, missing horribly. Stanley did a counter back hand and slapped Sergio across the map. As Sergio got up from his one back handing, he slowly realized that the only way to beat Stanley was to set him on fire. Sergio quickly ran over to some spears on the ground and lit them on fire. He chucked them at Stanley, but because Sergio was bad at everything he missed and lit a room of the mission on fire. Sergio quickly realized that he is bad at everything and decided on the best way to set an opponent on fire. Which was giving them a fire hug. Sergio ran over to the room that was on fire and stepped into the fire, giving himself 3rd degree burns. As he was screaming bloody murder, he ran over to Stanley as fast as he could. Stanley realized that Sergio was trying to light him on fire, as he did in the Great Monkey Wars, but because Stanley was smarter than the average giraffe he quickly raised his loaded machine gun and shot hundreds of bullets into Sergio's body, leaving nothing but bullet holes and burning meat. Stanley started walking away, unsurprised to see Hotdog Men Mafia members loading millions of dead Sergio imposters into a burning pile in the front of the Castle that the Mormons used to own.
As Stanley made it back to Tim's Pizza Hut Palace he wondered about his dead enemy. "Could he possibly be resurrected from the dead?" he thought to himself. Stanley kept on walking forward to see Tim. As Stanley arrived inside the castle,he heard a dreadful meowing noise. Since there had been only one thing that could make such a horrible noise,Stanley automatically knew it was Fluffy the Radioactive Kitty, Tim's special animal. Stanley then walked up to the cat and asked where Tim was. Fluffy replied with a joking answer "Up yo moma's anus!" "HUEHUEHUE," Stanley replied "I see you haven't changed one bit, Fluffy." Fluffy said "Of course not, but if you want to see Tim,you have to do something for me." In the middle of conversation, Stanley received a call.Stanley answered the call and decided he made a grave mistake. He had answered a call form ROMAN(Duh Duh Duh)asking him the philosophical question "COUSIN YOU WANT TO GO BOWLING?" Stanley quickly replied with "NO",hung up his phone and smashed it with his pectoral muscles. "Anyway what did you want me to do, Fluffy?" "I want you to defecate on my arch nemesis, Zombiefied Cat-Dog." "Will do," Stanley said, walking away with his head held high.
Stanley was now making his way to defecate on Zombiefied Cat-Dog, until he was stopped by the remains of a large fortress and for some reason an ark. Stanley disregarded it until he saw a tall,dark,three headed,familiar figure leap away into the night. "Could it be my long lost son?" Stanley exclaimed. He began to deep throat a twinkie,and was ready to kill a god.(Story switches to Stanley 3.0's perspective)
Stanley 3.0 leapt off into the night with Hotdog Dorians and the rest of his allies.He spread his wings to take flight as a flock of doves burst from an outstretched dead cow. Stanley began hunting the doves,ruthlessly and with a hammer. One,two,three! Eventually smashing every beautiful avian in the dark stormy sky. As Stanley landed near a large volcano, his arch nemesis Larry the Camel. appeared from behind a rock,"the camel of time" was a much smarter opponent than any man from the jungle, and had previously taken the life of his theoretical grandfather.
Larry and Stanley locked eyes as they both wielded their weapons. The light from Stanley's charging cannon was reflected by the lenses of Larry's sunglasses. Then a single word was uttered, draw. Stanley fired as Larry traveled in time to dodge the shot. He appeared behind the great giraffe and punched him with his ass fist in the spine. One of Stanley's three heads became retarded because of the force of the ass punch. Stanley swung at Larry, but Stanley couldn't hit Larry before he traveled to dodge it. Larry dislocated one of Stanley's large masculine giraffe tendons. Stanley fell as a result, unable to move half his arms.
As Larry got hit after hit on Stanley, "the one who always watches(3.0)" found a rage deep inside of himself. Larry kept cheapshotting him, but this only made the anger inside boil hotter. As Larry delivered a finishing blow, Stanley exploded with rage, Larry attempted to time travel away, but Stanley grabbed him as the he time traveled. Lightning traveled through Stanley's body into Larry's, taking his time travel abilities away. Larry sat powerless,helpless as Stanley approached him. With his hammer drawn, he asked "Any last words?" Larry replied with "Go to hell!" Stanley said "Meet you there." as he brought his hammer down. A thunderous crack sent Larry to Alex's domain and the resulting shock wave from the explosion blew up the volcano. Larry's brain matter and skull chunks incinerated in the inferno. Stanley flew off, wounded but victorious in his fight. Afterwards needed time to recover and fix his body. He heard calls as he returned to his base,bruised but victorious.
When Stanley 3.0 returned to his giraffe cave, he heard a robotic noise. He has only heard a noise close to it on tapes and film of the Great Monkey Wars, but has never seen it on the film. He did seem to remember his grandfather Stanley 1.0 destroying it in the battle of the Jewmazis, when the Jewmazis fought back against the Duck People of New Vegas. Story goes the Jewmazis used to be great people powerful,wealthy,strong until one day when Tim the ruling god was frustrated with the Jewmazis not believing in him so he sentenced the Jewmazi people to be slaves to the Duck People of New Vegas. But the Jewmazis were tired of being forced to be slaves so when the Monkey tribes were at war with each other, they saw a good moment to revolt while the duck soldiers were destroying the monkey's lands and killing off the monkeys. Legend has it that when they revolted they had a giant Mecca Jewmazi to kill all the opposing forces until the duck council called apon Stanley 1.0 to destroy it in exchange of the gift of A-sexual reproduction and a genetic advancement at every reproduction. Stanley accepted the gift and went about destroying the Mecca Jewmazi with his giant fists and the raging flip of his tongue. Anyways back to Stanley 3.0. As Stanley remembered that story he decided to go to the booming noise and discover what it really is. He arrived apon the noise and was astonished, he couldn't believe what was before his eyes. It had been Mecca Jewmazi, the very same one his grandfather had defeated...
The story of dragon head skyrim guy is a short if at the very least, interesting tale of intrigue and personal gain. It all started one day when a very large, fat man was battling dragons in Skyrim. He was the only man in all of Skyrim who wasn't fucking ripped or a woman. He fought the great paarthunax, essentially the dragon equivelent of optimus prime, and somehow managed to decapitate the the fierce dragon lord. He attempted to make Paarthunax's decaptitated head into a mask, but failed horribly and it turned out to be Spyro the dragon. "Perfect for my cosplay!" The proud fatass lardsack stated boldly. He brought the mask close to his face, and it began to heat up to the temperature of the sun, and in doing so the mask melted eternally to his face. Now, he was forced to live an eternity, looking like a dumbass, but possesing impossible power.
The Hotdog man mafia wasn't always well known. As the ash from Joe's cigar hit the tray, the ember inside burned hotter, as if a representation of his very soul. He had a breif recollection of his childhood memories, fond visions of his mom telling him he could be anything he wanted. Joe thought hard on this specific memory, quite a lot actually. The night before he'd experienced a wonderful dream of him being his favorite thing in the world. A Hotdog, and a mafia man. He stared out his cold window into the overcast skies of Los angelas, as he began planning for his rise to power. He first contacted a well known scientist, then he contacted a costume shop. Lucky for him it was near halloween and wouldn't look like an idiot buying a hotdog costume and a pinstriped suit. After he had bought the costumes he worked day and night forcing the small asian sweatshop children to combine the two costumes into one. After his masterpiece was completed, he made his way to the scientist's laboratory. As the scientist was setting up his machine, Joe asked some important questions. "Are there any side effects?" the scientist promptly replied "Yes" and flicked on the machine. Zaaap Baaang Bifff and what appeared next to him scared the shit out of him. It was a clone. Joe excitedly said to the scientist "Is this real, can it do what i tell it to do?" Instead of the scientist answering him, the clone did. "Of course what do you think i am some kind of idiot?" Joe thought this was amazing, then set off on his epic quest to make the Hotdog Men Mafia. He gathered his costumes and made millions of clones until he lead an army of Hotdog Men Mafia. However, because there were so many clones half of them decided to leave Joe's mafia and became the Hotdog Dorians.
Now back to Stanley's encounter with Mecca Jewmazi. As Stanley listened to the Mecca Jewmazi talk about how his people have been decimated and all that shit blah blah blah, all he could think about is how the hell is he going to kill that thing and brain fuck it. When out of nowhere Stanley 2.0 showed up and shot the oil lines and gasoline lines to the robot. This spread oil and gasoline and that shit all over itself. Just then, the Hotdog Dorians showed up behind Stanley 3.0 and burnt the robot to a crisp with flame throwers. As the robot burned to death and crumbpled and turned to ash. All the ash floated into a cars ash tray, then Tim made the joke "How many Jewmazis fit into an ash tray? 2 in the back seat, 2 in the front seat, and 30 in the ash tray." Then Tim left the sky and went back to his Pizza Hut Palace.
Meanwhile at the Pizza Hut Palace, there was a divine meeting amongst the almighty spirits of hue. The meeting was about all the fucking ducks on Earth attempting to end the Great monkey wars. Tim suggested the genocide of anything that even resembles a duck. Willfully agreeing, Singing Russian Janitor Jesus sung a happy song about burning the ducks alive in front of their children. Tim made it so, and sent out his two most reliable mercenaries. Who's names began with the letter S. Sergio and Skyrim Dragonhead guy were chosen to take this task. Except for Sergio was dead, and Skyrim Dragonhead guy was busy losing his foot to diabetes. So Tim just sent Stanley 2.0 and 3.0. As Stanley 3.0 flew with 2.0 on his back, they got into an argument about what type of floaties support giraffe's better. Stanley 3.0 said "Man fuck your floaties," as he dumped Stanley 2.0 onto a bunch of duck soldiers. 2.0 began eating ducks left and right, as Stanley 3.0 went for the king of the Duck republic. The king himself was not a duck, but instead he was a Giant hamburger helper hand on a body 'Handyman' was this fearsome king's legendary title. Stanleys' aren't born with a sense of fear or remorse, only with a fierce burning rage to murder anyone in front of them. 3.0 furiously smashed his fists into the side of Handyman's castle and 2.0, still burning ducks alive, could only watch with a proud look in his eyes as the castle exploded into a billion pieces. Handyman wasn't inside of the castle, but 2.0 could only utter one phrase after his son brutally murdered millions of innocent duck families. "That's my boy..."
Tim's Christmas special:
By about this time, it'd become Christmas and all through the hutt. Tim was drinking dew while riding a slut. His movements were fast, his skeleton strong. Then Fluffy came in to report something wrong. "The Catholic Saint!" said Fluffs with a cry, "He's here for Christmas, he wants us to die!". Tim stood up in a flash, "Fuck that!" he yelled. "We'll enlist the help of Krampus and send this douche to hell!" Just then a noise that killed all the fish, it was Saint Nicholas "Challenging me was a deathwish!" Tim, not alarmed called upon demons, his skills unsurpassed by formiddable hethans. He raised up the forces of hell and highwater! It was time for a good old fashioned holiday slaughter. Nick moved fast, he charged and he lunged. Tim was faster, he made Saint Nick a fist sponge. Bony hands, faster than light, Nicks body reduced to pudding by the furious might. In a flash it was over, Tim believed that he'd won. The catholic saint vanished, anihilated, done. At this point something truly terrifying began, Nick's body reformed from the pile of flan. His anger growing, fury awry. Tim yelled with a shout "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" Saint Nick was now whole, and frankly a donkus. It was finally time for Tim, to call upon Krampus. Esteemed mercenary of ultimate power, evil concentrated, from him death rained like a shower. "I come to judge those who've been naughty, not nice. You fuck with me, you should've thought twice." Krampus grew to a towering size, armed with a large birch branch and awesome laser eyes. He said "The time's come Klaus, my judgement is final. My branch causes fractures, most of which spinal." Krampus brought his branch down with a crack. Santa miraculously survived, but with a broken back. Krampus lifted Klaus with an enormous screech. It was then that Krampus began his speech. "The sins of the naughty are burdened upon me, to a place of great darkness I'm tempted to flee. But no, I take it like that whore down there. The point of Christmas isn't to share. None will be safe from the eternal fear, Krampus will reign supreme above any Catholic queer!" Krampus' laser ended Klaus, Tim's Christmas saved by the great noble god. Enlisted permanently as a deity of eternal panic, Krampus celebrated Christmas with Tim, lovely and satanic.
The Religion of Hue : The Shrek Chronicles
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. George Lucas brought his video camera to document all of the creatures in outerspace a long ass time ago. This was not without consequence though, as at one point in his studies he came across a peculiar land. This land was known as far far away land. Here resided a veteran war-hero by the alias of Shrek. He had just defeated Adolf Farquaad using his amazing strength and superior ogre tactics. As he whiped the blood off his hwompin' stick, he noticed the intruder. But it wasn't the real George Lucas, it was terrorist George Lucas! Sand Lucas pulled a bomb out from under his turban and began chanting "Once you go black, you never go back!" in unintelligible gibberish. Shrek wasn't unprepared for such a situation. He pulled out the .45 he keeps holstered inside of his thigh and put four right between the lungs of Mr. Sandman. "Your move, creep." was uttered from nowhere. Just then a semi-truck filled with taliban surrounded Shrek. They were all wielding Scimitars and RPG's. Shrek knew what had to be done. He let out a roar and drew the M-16 he found. It was like the matrix when Shrek took down all the evil taliban Smith agents. They gasped a collective "Mr. Anderson" and started using jewdo-chops against Shrek. Shrek was too strong for them though, he deflected all their jewdo-chops into the agent across from them. There wasn't a penny unstolen. The smoke cleared and the Jolly green patriot had stopped 9/11 part 2 episode 2. There was a problem though. Sand Lucas' corpse was nowhere to be found, and we were helpless to stop the prequels...
The Religion of Hue: Chipmunk Revolution
Once upon a time, a lonely chipmunk costume was in the middle of the street getting kicked around by dirty white people trying to be Chinese. Then one man found the costume and was enthralled that all these white people were hurting it. This one man was so angry that he grabbed a brick and started chasing around the fake Chinese people. This was what started the revolution. So many whiteys died by his brick of death and chipmunk suit, that they were forced to call in the council of ducks. As he was bricking people, a man of ducks came to him and yelled "This is the council of ducks stop your violence or die like a squirrel!" And the man replied "More like the council of dicks." He then chucked the brick at the duck man and grabbed a metal pipe. "We the Chipmunk people will no longer fester in corners and hide from the grasps of our suppressors, we will fight you all till the end and keep fighting for what we are, because we are Chipmunks!" While the duck people heard his speech an army of munks came out of their hiding holes and bashed their nuts in, with nuts. As the riots increased, more people died by the hands of the Chippers. (They preferred to be called that because they chipped people's nuts in) The brutally caved in man's most special spot, destroying millions of unborn babies. The 'a mysterious man' led the revolution. He himself was not a chipmunk, in fear of the others finding out and crucifying his ass. He met doctor scientist that was well know for his accomplishment of the "Hotdog Mafia". He had asked the scientist to fuse the suit to his skin. As the scientist went through the procedure of latching down the man, he had asked one last question "Agent 46, are you sure you want to go through with this?" the agent replied with "gladgld el freemando no openo." The scientist looked at him as if he was some sort of retard and pulled the switch. Splash! Bang! Biiiiiiifff! went the machine and then a horrifying monster walked out. What had walked out scared the scientist so badly that he pissed himself and crumbled to the floor as a pile of dust. The monster had had a change of mind, as he was in the machine, He began to walk back the "the main HQ of the munks" and yelled "Get munked!" as it sprayed silver bullets down the hallway to the munks' death. The munks were fighting back shooting the monster with all the munition they had, but the monster was to strong bashing each munks face in with a brick, not giving any diddlys. He began collecting skulls as he piled up kills. One munk, which had been crippled on the ground, asked the monster a question "What do you do with the skulls?" The monster replied nonchalantly "I fuck'em!" as he cut off the munk's head with his brick. As the Agent 46 monster was leaving a squadron of Hotdog gangsters appeared in their S.U.V. they looked over and said "Son you just cost us $10" and began to open fire with tec-9's but the monster was too cool for school, so he jumped into their vehicle and began to savagely beat them down with his furry hands, and his brick of death. He then stole the vehicle and has been missing even to this day...
Morals Tim has created for the religion (like the ten commandments, but better)
1.) Recite the phrase "Hue" after every successful endeavor of messing with another person.
2.) Don't take shit from anyone who wants rights.
3.) Insult authority when appropriate.
4.) Dick around at least once a week.
5.) Give praise to the esteemed son of Tim, Singing Russian Janitor Jesus.
6.) Prepare your diddly hole.
7.) Insult fellow members.
8.) Purposely mess up others' serious plans.
9.) Always follow Tim's rule.
10.) You must have watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
11.) Don't be depressing as fuck.
12.) Become a Hue Crue member