THE GUY THAT HAD A LOT OF SCARY STUFF
HAPPEN TO HIM!
I once knew a guy. His name was NNNNN. He had a beret on his head 24/7, which was, like, really red. It was so red that. His favorite color was greyish-purple and he always wore a full-body suit of that color. His eyes were buggy, and his mouth was permanently distorted into a smile because he was happy. NNNNN was about 6 foot 1000 with hair on his body and always smelled exactly like an unrelatable character from a school project. I thought that, with this stench around him, he would never get into any trouble. I was wrong.
NNNNN awoke one morning to the smell of what smelled like burning glass and thick smog that clogged up your lungs and nearly killed you. NNNNN, upon realizing how hard it was for him to breathe, instantly dove to the floor and crawled as silently as a snake that doesn’t even exist. As he approached his bedroom door, he felt the doorknob.
NNNNN’s doorknob was decorated with a coat of duct tape, with a ring of aluminum wrap on the front. Inside that ring was a stone badly carved into the shape of a diamond. This doorknob will not, at any point, become relavent to the story.
The doorknob was red hot. “Yo dawg wassup wit me bein so hot dawg?” Said the aluminum rap. Like any sane man, NNNNN ripped the door open. Instantly, NNNNN’s lungs were filled with thick smoke. NNNNN became so weak from the thick nasty smog filling up his lungs to the brim that he fell to his knees, gasping for air. Eventually, somehow he made it to the bathroom door. He opened up the door and ran inside, and closed the door so fast that the doorknob was squished into a donut shape. Luckily, NNNNN had installed a second door leading into his kitchen, so he could still escape. But first NNNNN stuck his fingers down his throat and all of the smoke came out of his lungs and through his mouth. Then NNNNN walked up to the battleship gray door of his, and walked through into his kitchen.
NNNNN’s kitchen seemed to be unharmed. Well, for the most part. The sink, cupboard, other cupboard, other other cupboard, shelf, dinner table, window, oven, and both chairs were gone. But at least he had his oven door, which was NNNNN’s pride and joy. It was white as a politician wearing a polar bear fur coat and drinking an entire tub of milk, and the shiny oven window never seemed to get any dirt on it. NNNNN walked over to examine his oven door to make sure it wasn’t damaged, and he heard what sounded like a sadistic giggling from a high pitched crackly voice. Instinctively, NNNNN walked out in front of the fridge with his back to it, and said “You aren’t taking any of my beef jerky!” Then suddenly he heard crackling flames behind him, and that’s when NNNNN realized that his house was on fire.
NNNNN opened his fridge and took out as many strips of beef jerky as he could. He ended up carrying his own body weight in beef jerky (90 pounds in wild racoon, 5 pounds in everything else) and he ran as fast as he could to the front door. Suddenly the power went off, and NNNNN heard the high pitched throaty giggling again, clear as the fact that the author of this story is off his rocker. It grew closer to him, and it lowered in pitch until is was a rumble loud enough to cause an earthquake measuring 300 on the Richter Scale. He felt the creature breathing on him as cold as a really cold thing that died and that’s why it’s so cold. So anyway, NNNNN tossed the creature into the flames, but they grew stronger and eventually spread in front of the front door. The creature rose up from behind NNNNN and threw him out of the window.
NNNNN flew through the air, with his palms wide open and sweating bullets. NNNNN was flying through the air so fast, his purple-gray suit fell right off him. His eyes were the size of black holes. NNNNN’s vision went brown and all he heard was the squishing sound of his making contact with the earth . . . Oh wait, he just fell into a pool of mud.
NNNNN felt like he was stuck in a nasty slush puppy as he pulled himself out of the red-cold mud. “Hey wait a minute. There’s no mud in my crappy hometown!” As NNNNN brushed off the mud with his beret, he surveyed the land and concluded that he was no longer in
Kansas his crappy hometown. The area where he was in now was the inside of a massive valley bigger than the Grand Canyon. The rocks were reddish-orange and outside of the valley he could see there were impossibly large mountains. It wrecked his brain just to look at them.
NNNNN was in bad shape, too. Since now his house had fully burnt down, NNNNN was homeless, hopeless, hungry, and worst of all, naked. Luckily he had taken some jerky with him, so he could solve the hungry part. He pulled out a strip of jerky and nibbled a bit of it when suddenly he realized it was starting to go bad. NNNNN threw away the piece of stale jerky and it landed onto a grave. “Oh hey, it’s a grave!” said NNNNN. The grave was REALLY spooky. It had on the tombstone “BoOoOoOOooOoOoooooO!!!!!” NNNNN toppled over from fright and landed in the grave. There was a REALLY spooky ghost inside the grave! It was a really spooky color of white and had really spooky eyes and a really spooky ghost butt. The ghost picked up the piece of jerky and ate it. “Hmm, this is good.” said the ghost, before politely picking up NNNNN, placing him outside the grave, and piling the dirt back onto him. NNNNN couldn’t control his fear of the REALLY spooky ghost and screamed at the top of his lungs and rocketed out of the cliff because this story couldn’t progress unless something really dumb like that happened.
NNNNN woke up to the sight of a large bazooka with a note attached to it. The note was written sloppily in Comic Sans, and read: “Just do what comes to mind.” NNNNN slammed the bazooka against the ground until it broke. NNNNN heard a voice from behind a water buffalo, and it kinda sounded like Mick Jagger on helium. It said “No you moron, this was supposed to be an action story!”
The thing leaped out at him and it was a super bazooka! It attacked NNNNN and then NNNNN tried to do some kung fu stuff but the super bazooka shotted him!
When NNNNN woke up, he was stuck in a scary dark cave. The cave was so scary that he decided he would have to live in there for the rest of his life, as he feared moving anywhere he didn’t need to go. He was hungry and the super bazooka had stolen his sack of jerky, so NNNNN attempted to go find something to eat. The cave was so dark that NNNNN accidentally tripped and fell into a bucket of black paint, and he couldn’t tell the difference. How did he know that it was black paint? Uhh . . . Look, a new plotline!
NNNNN saw a mushy-room glowing in the darkness. It was a very dim light, but to him it was like shoving your eyeballs into the sun while it exploded and there was a guy running away from it wearing sunglasses while it exploded. Man, that’s awesome. BLATANT FORESHADOWING NNNNN was very hungry. I mean, he hadn’t eaten for two whole minutes! So he bent down to pick up the mushroom. As he felt the blue mushroom in his hands, he noticed something.
It was very hot.
NNNNN eventually had to put it down. When that happened, the mushroom began to crack and break. Then NINJAS POPPED OUT! THERE WAS SO MANY NINJAS, THAT WHEN ALL THE NINJAS CAME OUT, THERE WERE A WHOLE LOT OF NINJAS! THEY ALL WENT LIKE Waahoey Yaa Fwoosh fwoosh punch kick and then they all started going Waahoey Yaa Fwoosh fwoosh punch kick and chasing him through the cave.
NNNNN was faster than the ninjas, although the noise of them all bearing down on him at once was deafening. Then one of the ninjas lit his nunchakus on fire, and threw them at NNNNN’s head. The fire spread on his hair, and his hair was on fire. Wow that is scray. The hair was burning at a fast rate and now the ninjas all knew where his head was. The ninjas threw pots and pans and wooden spoons at NNNNN. Suddenly he found the light at the end of the cave. It was, in fact, a metro system. All the ninjas disappeared into thin air. NNNNN was once again alone.
But not for long. As NNNNN creeped through the dark cave, he heard another giggling. Then red fruit juice came out of the walls! And the lights went out! Then a demon came out of Quebec!!! NNNNN silently whispered to himself
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” But the demon from Quebec was not deterred. It trudged towards him, and with every step it made, it made huge dents in the floor that caused more red fruit juice to leak out of it. It extended it’s brownish claws, that were as long as this story, and slashed down at NNNNN. NNNNN artfully rolled out of the way, and into the rug. The demon from Quebec broke his fingernails on the hard floor and fell over and the super bazooka came out and shotted him and he died.
NNNNN, hearing that the battle was finally over, got out of the rug. He noticed the super bazooka and, feeling overcome with anger that he took the beef jerky, chased after it. NNNNN was persistant, but the super bazooka was faster. By the time NNNNN got even close to it, he had already torn through 9 schools, 27 semi trucks, 80 office buildings, and 1 orphanage. And when NNNNN got his hands on it, he was back in the reddish-orange valley. But now there was someone else there.
Someone had made a village in the time it took to break through all those buildings. I mean, orphanages have really hard bricks! NNNNN ignored the super bazooka and slowly walked over to the village, hiding behind a haybale, and took a look. There were about 8 villagers, all of them dressed in expedition gear. But there were 12 houses. One of the houses had it’s roof and almost all of the walls ripped off. In there was a pile of goodies, including the sack of beef jerky, some kind of miniature statue, and... NNNNN’s oven door!
NNNNN leaped out and grabbed the haybale. He sprinted over to the pile of goodies like a berserker, and grabbed the over door. Suddenly, just as NNNNN was running out of the pile of goodies, he suddenly heard a voice say “Hurrhurr”. NNNNN ducked down behind a section of burnt wall, but it was too late. Whatever made that voice had seen him. It slowly limped over to him, hissing loudly and threateningly, and NNNNN was curled up in a ball, praying that it suddenly stops. When the thing peeked it’s head over the wall, NNNNN’s survival instinct kicked in. He grabbed a rock and began to smash the hissing thing’s face. When it fell over, NNNNN finally saw what it was.
It was a guy. But not just any other guy, it was The Guy Who Likes To Hiss, wearing a garland made out of snakes, rainbow colored pants, and some weird thing he found in his drainage ditch! NNNNN looked like a dangerous idiot, so he quickly backed away, realizing what he had done. The Guy Who Likes To Hiss got up. He said “STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!” NNNNN replied “Hello my name is NNNNN, allow you to play the song of my people.” NNNNN pulled out an alarm clock and a large baseball bat from nowhere. “I like to call this “Nightcore”.” The Guy Who Likes To Hiss quickly changed the topic by saying “Wait a minute. You’re the guy who is destined to have a lot of scary stuff happen to him! Well, my name is The Guy Who Likes To Hiss, but you can call me The Guy.” The super bazooka, which NNNNN had forgotten all about, floated up behind him, and talked in it’s high pitched voice as usual. “Yes, and I brought him here. That was totally my plan the whole time.” NNNNN was taken aback by this news, so aback that he fell onto the ground. After a few awkward seconds, NNNNN responded “So, uhh... why am I here?”
“Why are you here? Well, that’s a deep philosophical question. You see...” NNNNN pulled up his oven door, which deflected the boring philosophical talk back onto The Guy. He instantly fell asleep. NNNNN turned angrily to the super bazooka. “What was he trying to say?” The super bazooka gestured to NNNNN to follow him into one of the huts, and to bring the statue too. NNNNN did so, and when he entered the hut he found that it was nothing like what it looked like.
All of the walls were made out of testosterone. On them hung multiple cases carrying various weapons. In the middle of it was a table with a slip of paper on it. Larry the super bazooka walked over to it. “Okay everyone, here comes some excessive exposition, so everyone skip this next paragraph.”
“We’re actually on Mars right now, and you gotta help us go find the best mustache in the world because we said so. Here’s how you get to it.” Larry showed him the map. “Also, the statue is of some kind of god worshipped by the bad guys called “Da Uglee Gai”, so watch out for him.” “Okay, I get it.” said NNNNN. “Now where do we go?”
Only a few hours later, NNNNN had got in his expedition suit with The Guy and Larry The Super Bazooka. Each one of them had a flashlight in their pocket. They were all sitting in a guano-white jeep. And THEN LARY STARTED IT. They were all headed to the nearest landmark, the temple of Da Uglee Gai. It was known that a being of such immense power as Da Uglee Gai would know the secrets to the best mustache in the world. Within 8 minutes, the group had finally reached the temple. It was a red pyramid shimmering like a ruby, with a large metal spike on the top. Several purple stripes that seemed to be glowing with pure malice and piercing into NNNNN’s heart ran along the pyramid. Also it was floating in the sky, but that’s not the important part.
“But guys, how are we gonna get into the pyramid if it’s floating in the sky?” said NNNNN, understandably worried. “Don’t worry, this jeep runs on propane. I made sure to put in the exact right amount.” said The Guy. He blinked stupidly at the jeep, and it spontaniously exploded, launching the trio into the air so hard that they went through a time warp. They landed in the prehistoric times, but were still generating so much speed that they crashed into a large flying bug and then back into the present time. Thus changing history so that now the temple was on the ground.
Meanwhile, the Red Robe Gang was conducting yet another ritual, for the 5th time that day. The leader of the cult, Chak Droeger, had finally had enough time to schedule enough people for a ritual to summon more mustaches for Da Uglee Gai to wear once he was summoned into this world. But then NNNNN, The Guy, and Larry The Super Bazooka crashed through the stone ceiling! Due to history changing from the time warp causing the temple to be located on the ground, they had misaimed their landing!
NNNNN was the first to stand up. He looked around. The stone ceiling was a reddish-orange color, with four hallways leading to unknown rooms. They were all shrouded in shadows. The room itself was very cramped, and NNNNN didn’t know if he wanted to have a fight in here or not. As the Red Robe Gang slowly took a step towards the group, NNNNN grabbed Larry The Super Bazooka, and his oven door/riot shield, and prepared for a fight. But to NNNNN’s surprise, none of them ran away, instead they pulled out branches and started to charge at NNNNN. He was so scared by the branches that he ran away, leaving The Guy behind. NNNNN was charging blindly through darkness and he would probably end up smashing into a door, but he didn’t mind. Red stuff is SCARY!
When NNNNN was sure that he lost them, he turned on his flashlight. He noticed everything was RED! The walls were red, and the door was red, and the air was red, and he was red! RED STUFF IS REALLY REALLY SCARY! As NNNNN took in this sight, he could only scream. He ran aimlessly around the red room, until he found the door. NNNNN took a sigh of relif, and walked towards the door. Except, when NNNNN got closer to door, he realized the door was a GHOST!
Wow that is scray! NNNNN leaped back in horror, and the ghost slowly levitated towards him. As NNNNN flailed around looking for something to defend himself with, he didn’t find anything, and the ghost took him.
When NNNNN woke up, he was stuck in a cell. It was stuck over a tank containing whatever because you know no matter how dangerous it is you know it won’t actually kill the protagonist. Watching them was the man who ran the Red Robe Cult, Chak Droeger himself! Sitting next to him was the ghost that brought him in. Chak Droeger said to NNNNN, “Haha! Now we’ve got you! And we’re gonna do irrational and unbelievable stuff to you because we’re the designated bad guys!” NNNNN broke through the wooden bars of his cell because I’m a horrible writer who can’t think of any other way for the plot to progress other than something like that.
Chak Droeger summoned all the ninjas in the entire universe to fight NNNNN before running away. All the ninjas were all like RrrRRrRrRrrRrrRrrRr! And they all enclosed in a circle around NNNNN. They didn’t have any weapons since they all broke the last time all the ninjas chased NNNNN, so the ninjas poked NNNNN into submission. Just as NNNNN was about to violently explode from all the poking, he noticed something moving through the crowd of ninjas. It was the ghost. It was popping up behind the ninjas in the back, and going BoOooOoOoooOoOO! NNNNN realized that, for some reason, the ghost was saving him. All the ninjas dispersed when they realized what was going on. As they ran away, the ghost slowly floated to NNNNN. NNNNN was so confused that his brain began to spin around like a roundabout and it floated out of his head and landed into the ghost so that now NNNNN lives in the ghost’s body. Then the ghost ran OUT OF THE HALLWAY.
Now that NNNNN lived inside the ghost, they shared memories. It contained a lot of character development you don’t care about. And the ghost said “Okay, that part with your vacation in Japan doesn’t even make any sense. Now keep your voice down, there could be anything lurking down here.” “Uhh, ghost guy dude man person comrade thing character mang boy, where are we going?” The ghost said nothing more.
NNNNN and the ghost hovered through the damp red brick corridor, in a complete state of paranoia. It was almost as if parts of the shadows were coming alive, showing their teeth and sharp claws. The pair continued on in silence, in fear of arousing a spooky monster. Mr. O does not know about the bodies.
As the pair wandered through the red brick hallway, it ended. Nothing scary happened, even when the lights went off for a few seconds TWICE? I want my money back! But NNNNN could not get his money back, for in his country, they have no money. It was a heavenly sight, and for the betterment of monkeykind. As the lights went off and then back on for a third time, they realized something glowing behind a dark gray vault door caked in dirt.
Once the door was opened with my face, the pair adventured on. As the ghost methodically scanned the room, NNNNN noticed a very rare $3 bill, with Barack Obama on it.
The ghost thought nothing of it, but it was all starting to come together for NNNNN. He had not thought of this before, as he was confused about this new ghost guardian of his. Everything he had ever seen made sense. The theme of red was obviously symbolism for Barack Obama, because he's red and so is satan and therefore Obama is satan. That means that Obama is a statue of Satan, because there are statues of Satan. And Idol is another word for Statue, therefore Obama is related to American Idol. And the Red Robe Gang is helping him do something. And he's on Mars, which has aliens on it and is also red. Blood is also red, so there must be aliens on Mars that have red blood. And people have red blood too, so therefore Obama (Who is Satan), American Idol, and the Red Robe Gang are working on super soldiers that are a combination of aliens and people. In a secret labratory under the Red Sea.
NNNNN had to stop them. But, the ghost still thought nothing of this new revelation. NNNNN spoke. “Hey, come back here a moment. I need to show you something!”
As the ghost continued on wordlessly, NNNNN realized that it must not want the truth to come to light. It was NNNNN's prison guard, and nothing more. By force of pure will, NNNNN tried to break out of the ghost's body. He struggled and felt excruciating pain, but with the power of
LOOOOOOOVE ROOOOOOOCK FRIENDSHIP, he did it. When NNNNN bent over to pick up the $3 bill, he heard a low rumbling, and everything went red. It was so red that NNNNN began to pass out from shock, but before he did, he saw he had undergone a great curse. His hand turned into a sea turtle.
When NNNNN woke up, he was in a room darker than thing. The ROOM WAS BLACK AND THERE WAS A CLOSET IN IT, and NNNNN's sea turtle hand shot trains, then died.
NNNNN didn't see the ghost around anywhere. It was probably good that he didn't, because it shared resemblance to something he saw on TV. NNNNN took off his tattered beret and put on his tree. As he opened the door, he entered the Field Of Machoness. Some guys in blue robes were fighting the guys in red. Da Uglee Gai was on the battlefield, smacking away everyone with its tentacles. Nobody could hit it, because it wore glasses. NNNNN was afflicted by the Field Of Machoness. He took his shirt off and prepared a thesis for his study on wildlife, and before you knew it the Red Robe gang retreated, and Da Uglee Gai was the only one left. Mustering all the strength he could (hehehehehe. . .), NNNNN ate a bread. Da Uglee Gai was forced to shove his eyeballs into the sun and they exploded while NNNNN walked away from it.
Hoomere Smaspon, the god of the Blue Robe Gang, stretched his hand down. “NNNNN, you have made a great victory today.” Hoomere placed a ghost down, the same ghost that trapped NNNNN and sent him flying up the canyon. “This is the ghost of your friend, The Guy, because time travel. Now come with me and you shall have salvation.” NNNNN said “Uhhhhhh, no.” Hoomere Smaspon's hand began to grow red. He got angry. NNNNN scrambled for anything to help him out. He discovered the- Ohhhhh! He got squished. Hoomere Smaspon grabbed his squished, crumpled, body and carried it with him. And the townsfolk truly knew now that the most important mustaches were right under their noses.
Oh, and you might be wondering, How do I know all of this? Well. . . It’s because I AM A DEAD SKULL! SWEAT DREAMZ PPLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
ADN THIS STORY WILL HAPPEN 2 U THA NEXT TIME U TAKE UR PANTS OF