The Epic of Asian2Go
'Twas a dark and stormy night in the best of places and the worst of times. Three young men were filled with creamy ice cream and pizza flavored gold fish. How they purchased them, it is still unknown. Maybe it was on their extremely low salary made by delivering Asian2Go meals. Why was there salary so low you may ask? Simple. It was the Americans, they discriminated against them. They were not accepted by the americans. Anger boiled in them for months at a time. It was unbearable. The terrible thing was, this is not unnatural. Thousands of Asian2Go workers were discriminated against as well. These People needed a Leader. This man had leardership. His name was Adam Sian. He was most commonly known as A.Sian.He was with his two colleagues Charlie Hina (C.Hina) and Jared Apan (J.Apan). Walking home from their stressful jobs, they came across a small island in the middle of the road. It was covered in dead grass and had misdirectional, rusty street signs outcropping from it. Long forgotten. The cars drove around the island during their commutes, but thought nothing of it, as if it wasn't there at all. The trio faithfully placed their tired feet upon the island and sat down to take a rest. A.Sian announced that he admired the island and that it felt just like home to him... but better. The other two agreed. None of them understood why the silly American Empirialists had set aside and forgotten such a beautiful island. J.Apan saw this and bolted, no one knew why. A.Sian tried to follow, but it was too late. He exclaimed: "This could be ours." C.Hina shrugged, it was a ridiculous concept. A.Sian was not a realist, however, he declared: I claim this island 'n the name of Asian2Go!" C.Hina tried to talk him back into his sense, but it was a remarkable thought, neither thought it was bad. J.Apan returned with two cans. He popped the cap off and spray-painted the street sign white. A.Sian and C.Hina had no idea what he was doing. He then spray-painted over the white, in enormous red letters "Asian2Go." It was decided between the trio that the land was theirs. and they would stop at nothing do defend their tiny island. They thought there was no one who heard them. But one did, an undercover CIA operative. He made a phonecall to Obama, and said nothing but: "you might want to see this."
A.Sian, C.Hina, and J.Apan made sturdy boarders out of cardboard to keep out immigrants, suddenly the U.S military arrived, fully armed. "Oh, no!!!!!" shouted A.Sian. "This is terrible!" agreed C.Hina. J.Apan rushed out of the small cardboard shelter set up to keep them out of the rain. Clutching something in his hand, a single shot was fired, J.Apan died instantly, he fell to the ground. His hand limped and the small scroll rolled out. A soldier open fired on the cardboard box, reducing it to nothing more than a pile of scraps. The soldier picked up a bullet ridden laptop from the scraps. C.Hina and A.Sian (pinned against a post by two men with submachine guns) realized that J.Apan was in the box for a while, typing something. He later ran off to get it printed, but charged back in the box. He was hiding something. Whatever rolled about of his hand was important. They glanced at it. The scroll was covered in blood from the single wound in his head, and he was lying in a puddle of the stuff. The two whispered, but neither of the soldiers heard them. The man in charge of the siege, called “all clear.” The American Citizens were watching from their windows, scared that they might be seen. The lead officer was the same person as the undercover CIA operative. The man called for the Charlie and Adam to be blown sky high. One of the soldiers pulled a grenade from his pocket. Charlie and Adam saw this and sprinted away. Adam threw two rocks at the soldiers,
one hit the soldier that was pinning him down. He pulled his pistol and fired a single shot, it hit C.Hina’s leg. He fell. His body clenched up, closing his eyes waiting to be shot, but A.Sian had good aim. Just as the lead Soldier pulled the pin. The grenade was knocked out of his hand and fell to the ground. It detonated. The blast was deafening, and vaporized the officer, as well as setting fire to the humvee. Which detonated soon after. They soon retreated. They had held their land. It was a hard battle. One dead, one wounded. A.Sian goes over to the body and opens the scroll. It was a declaration of independence. The battle had just begun.
“We, citizens of the great nation of Asian2Go declare our independence from America. We also claim this small land that we stand upon, any immigrants will be killed immediately unless they agree to our terms. Long live Asian2Go
Terms: We, A.Sian, C.Hina and J.Apan are the leaders of this great land.”
That was all that was written on the red-stained scroll. And A.Sian and C.Hina vowed to follow it.
They buried J.Apan that night. It was raining and very, very cold which set the perfect mood, sadness. The ceremony took approximately twelve hours considering the fact that they had to dig the burial hole using only their bare hand and twigs. It filled slightly with rain water, then they placed the lifeless corpse in. A few tears were shed by both, but the crying ended soon. They proceeded to go back into their cardboard shelter.
“He was so young”, babbled C.Hina miserably. “I know” added A.Sian “I know.”
The next day, the military was back. “Surrender!” shouted a nervous general. “Never!” shouted our two heroes. It was obvious that they were fuming with anger. A.Sian whipped a rock at one of the soldiers, again removing the pin from his grenade. He was killed instantly and never knew what had happened. This explosion set off a chain reaction, detonating every grenade, one after another. Soon, the military was completely wiped out.
“Victory is ours!” screeched C.Hina, raising his arms up high into the air. “We have to expand.” noted A.Sian. “How?” questioned C.Hina. “We simply pot barriers into and across the streets to make our nation bigger.” answered A.Sian. “Alright” agreed C.Hina, as they got to work. They put up 3.5ft walls made of cardboard boxes into the streets which stopped the fast-paced rush of traffic instantaneously. Many cars honked at the triumphant men, but there was nothing that they could do. The new borders were permanent. Thousands, no, millions of individuals could not get to their jobs because of this impenetrable blockage. Many tried to call the American military but there was none, it had been wiped out. Caught off guard, America took a serious blow. The economy crashed to nearly zero overnight. Budget cuts were being made from the empire state building in New York City, to mardi-gras in New Orleans. The entire nation was in havoc. The president was unaware on what to do, so he begged his allies, Canada and
Czechoslovakia to help him take down Asian2Go, but they had worries of their own. Now that its power was known, all civilizations feared invasion of Asian2Go. The first thing that A.Sian did the next day, was get his laptop. It was a standard, fast Dell that was very dependable. He e-mailed Verizon, asking for a television station. Verizon instantly responded “Yes!” with a scared emoticon. The Dell didn’t have a webcam but C.Hina had a camera phone with which he could take video. The first thing featured on Asian2Go TV was a 3.4 hour movie produced by C.Hina and A.Sian about the bloody battle of Asian2Go. The resolution wasn’t great, nor were the special effects, but the acting and general plot were magnificent. The film was then brought to theatres and earned $3.3 billion in the box office. All of the publicity made more people join Asian2Go.
“The current population of Asian2Go is approximately 38.” Announced A.Sian in Asian2Go TV’s morning news. “And food as well as space are big problems. We are now asking for donations and we have expanded our territory to about 76 square feet. Anybody who donates will be spared when we eliminate all American life. If you would like to donate, just call 1800-Asian2Go” Suddenly there was a call on “C.Hina’s phone. It was from a man by the name of Michael Ongolia (M.Ongolia for short) he was wishing to donate a sandwich, a plastic bag, a rusty old car, and an airsoft gun with lots of ammo. C.Hina gladly accepted the offer and waited for M.Ongolia’s arrival. He got there at 9 o’ clock. (It is always 9 o’ clock in the Asian2Go time zone because they are always open.) M.Ongolia also decided to join the powerful nation. His contribution was a very valuable one. On the evening news that night, A.Sian announced that their food reserves had increased by 320% and their plastic reserves by 605%. Also it was announced that they would be starting a new war, “World war shree!” (WW3) At the exact moment of the announcement every world leader gasped.
Preparations were being made for the attack. A.Sian and M.Ongolia had strapped the airsoft gun to the top of the car, turning it into a terrifying war machine. The Nation also stocked up on tomatoes stolen from the nearby convenience store. An Asian2Go citizen. Kim Orea (more commonly known as K.Orea) asked what the plan was. A.Sian answered by saying, “C.Hina, M,ongolia and I are going to drive up to New York City to start, then we’ll move on to the rest of the world.” And that is just what they did.
They arrived in NYC at 9 o’ clock. (Asian2Go time) A local police officer was standing at the border “Stop right there!” he shouted. “Never!” shouted the group inside the car as they fired the car-bound airsoft gun at him. The cop’s skull exploded and he died instantly. The car continued to drive towards a very tall, famous building known as the empire state building. Due to national budget cuts, the towers support bases were now cheap and easy to break. At full speed, A.Sian rammed the car right through the building. This caused it to collapse and fell onto a neighboring construction project. The construction project fell onto another building creating a domino effect. Millions died. There was only one car in the road other than the Asian2Go mobile. A stury Ford F-150 started charging at the triumphant trio at full speed. “NOOOOO!” Exclaimed M.Ongolia as he leapt from the car into the road. The Ford killed him but he managed to smash through the windshield killing the driver. Another burial ceremony was held that night. The digging was much quicker because this time, they had shovels found at the destroyed construction project. And they only had to dig up a little bit of rubble to bury the late M.Ongolia. On top of the grave they placed a carton of Asian2Go sweet & sour chicken. C.Hina hopped into the Ford and A.Sian into the Asian2Go mobile. They drove over to the nearby docks where they found a nice, little row boat. They decided that it was time to invade Europe.
“The population was decreased greatly today” announced A.Sian on the Asian2Go TV morning news. “We lost one soldier. We shall avenge his death by attempting to conquer all of Europe.” The European leaders heard word of this and were frightened greatly. “We have to do something, two Asian2Go soldiers are on their way to destroy us in their rowboat!” said one leader. “We need to nuke them” added another. They all agreed that it was the best possible choice. The nuclear missile was launched immediately and only took a few minutes to reach the row boat. “What’s that?” asked C. Hina. “Oh no! its a nuke!” exclaimed A.Sian. He grabbed an Asian2Go carton filled with pork and tossed it at the missile. It hit it directly, changing the course of the missile completely. The explosive was now headed straight back to Europe.
Unaware of this, the european leaders sat in the European breakroom eating sausages and cheese.
“We our so genius.” said a leader. “Yes we are” agreed another leader. Suddenly the nuclear missile warnings went off. “BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” Red lights flashed rapidly as every European leader screamed. They tried to run away but it was no use. The nuke hit Europe head on. Their own, ingenious plan had backfired on them... literally.
A.Sian and C.hina could see the explosion from miles away. When they finally arrived in western Europe that day at 9 o’ clock (Asian2Go time) the radiation had already gone... mostly. A ghastly figure emerged from the rubble. It appeared to be some sort of Human-Fish hybrid. “AARRR!” it roared. A.Sian had removed the airsoft gun from the car earlier. He shot the strange creature, but before it died, they realized that it was only Vladimir Putin. Upon all of the rubble, A.Sian placed yet another Asian2Go carton, this time filled with beef, upon the tattered continent. A.Sian and C.Hina returned to Asian2Go in their little rowboat. The citizens rejoiced. They had been watching the Asian2Go TV news, so they knew exactly what was going on. “YAAAAAAY!” Everybody shouted. Suddenly, a moan was heard from A.Sian “I feel very weak he said. It is time for a new leader to take over. We shall hold the first national erection day.” (He was saying election day, but it sounded like erection day in his Asian accent. “The two candidates will be C.Hina and K.Orea.”
“I’ve got to plan my campaign speech” C.Hina whispered to himself. “I’ve got just the idea!” he added, typing away on the Dell.
Campaign speech by C.Hina: Hello there, I am Charlie Hina, but most of you know me as C.Hina. I have been with Asian2Go since the very beginning. I am one of its founders. Other than A.Sian I am the only one who has experienced every Asian2Go adventure first hand.
I was a great speech. On the first debate he read to all of Asian2Go, proudly. K.Orea followed with her speech: I should be da president dis erection because I am cool.
From that point on, the two were rivals. At every debate through the next nine months, C.Hina and K.Orea battled it out fiercely. Finally it was time for election day.
“I am glad to declare that since the announcement of erection day nine months ago, the population of Asian2Go has increased by 879,346. I am Asian so it took about five seconds to count all of you.” A.Sian said the morning of the election. “It is time to vote. Come up here and grab a ballot. Write the name of the person who you want to be da new president of Asian2Go.” Like an angry mob, citizens grabbed ballots and filled them out. Hours of tallying later, A.Sian was ready to announce the new president. “Citizens of Asian2Go. C.Hina has 879,346 votes.” “Yes!” interrupts C.Hina “That means I won!” But A.Sian was not finished. “But- K.Orea has fwee billion zillion million votes, so she is the winner!” C.Hina was frickin’ pissed “What?!?” he exclaimed “That’s impossible, she must have cheated! I declare a recount!!!!” calmly A.Sian informed C.Hina “Sorry, but according to Asian2Go law, you cannot have a recount.” C.Hina screamed but then backed down from the election stage and walked into his cardboard shelter. A.Sian followed. They slept soundly that night. But when A.Sian awoke, C.Hina was gone!
“C.Hina! where are you? I’m sorry about the erection!” but C.Hina could not hear him, for he had left on the paddle boat to Europe.
Africa was scared, they knew that they were next to be attacked. They had also heard that C.Hina was on a paddle boat in the ocean. They thought that he was coming to Africa. So just like Europe, they decided to nuke him. Unfortunately C.Hina hadn’t brought any cartons, so when the nuke came, he had no defense. C.Hina was hit directly.
Back at Asian2Go, A.Sian received an e-mail from Africa saying: Your friend C.Hina haz ben nuked. He is dead now and he isn’t alive either. Your attempt to invade us has failed. (laughing emoticon) “Sheet!” exclaimed A.Sian. then he thought about the time that they had deflected a nuke. Knowing C.Hina, A.Sian thought that he had done the same thing again. “K.Orea! K.Orea! C.Hina is gone! And Africa nuked him! But he may still be alive! we have to do something!!!” shouted A.Sian to the new Asian2Go president. “No.” she responded. “No? What do you mean no?!? We have to save him. I think he was upset when he didn’t get an erection!” He said curiously. “I said no” she repeated in a snotty voice “I am the president of the united states and I say no!” “What?” asked A.Sian, “You are not the president of the US, you are the president of Asian2Go.”
“Actually, I am both” she said removing a realistic mask, showing her true form... Barrack Obama.
“HAHAHAHAHA!” laughed Obama as he pulled out a banana to shoot A.Sian “I am gonna kill you!” “NOOOOO!” exclaimed a voice that didn’t belong to A.Sian nor Obama. It was C.Hina! but he looked different. He looked... mutated. He had the sam face, but his body appeared to be fish like. Then A.Sian realized what happened, C.Hina was hit by the nuke and got all radiated and turned into a fish-human hybrid! He asked C.Hina if this was what happened. “Nope.” C.Hina responded. “It turns out that the Africans can’t make nukes, so they just put the bundler from progressive insurance. When I got hit, I was bundled with a fish. Now I am Fishman!” He was about to attack Obama when he pulled off another costume... It was J.Apan! “J.Apan what’s going on?” Asked A.Sian. “When I ran off when this nation first started, it wasn’t just to print the declaration of independence, it was to print a secret document in invisible ink. If you squirt pineapple juice onto the document it will show the message. After you guys buried me, I dug through the ground to China, our homeland. There, I made allies with every Chinese guy in China and they are all inside my pocket.” He then opened up his pocket and about 800,000,000 men hopped out. “But why would you betray us?” asked A.Sian. “Because Asian2Go is a stupid name, I wanted the nation’s name to be Asian3Go. And since I am the president of Asian2Go, I officially change its name to Asian3Go. HAHAHA!!! Now I will kill you with this banana.” answered J.Apan. C.Hina instantly, killed him along with all of the chinese dudes with his fish powers. “Does dis mean that I now won the erection?” asked C.Hina. “Yes.” answered A.Sian
A.Sian and C.Hina went over to the old declaration of independence and poured pineapple juice on it. The secret message was “I can see you” The two looked at eachother inquisitively and shrugged. But before one of them could speak. A terrifying shadow-like figure appeared killed them with a carton of Asian2Go chicken. The figure then sank back into the earth... forever.