There are alternate universes all around us. Some good, some bad, some weird. Why did I say 'weird'? Well, we all know the story of Julius Caesar, and his rise to power. Well, in this ballad, his is not a person.
He is an anus.
41488p presents...The Ballad of Julius Caesar!
Part One: The Rise of Julius Caesar the Anus
History is an important facet of life. It not only tells us who we are, but who we are. It also tells us who we are, who we are, and who we are. Most importantly, though, it tells us who we are. This is explored in the ancient classic epic of Julius Caesar the Anus. Julius Caesar the Anus not only tells us who we are, and who we are, but also who we are. Did I mention that history also tells us who we are?
With this fact in mind, it is almost impossible to miss out on Julius Caesar the Anus. Its sexual undertones, romantic side-story, and battles of epic proportions are things to behold. Without futher ado, let us get started on the first part of Julius Caesar the Anus.
The Rise of Julius Caesar the Anus
As Julius Caesar shot out of his mother's womb, he had only one thing in mind, That he was not a human, but an anus.
The doctors were amazed. They shouted out meaningless Latin phrases that no one would get, which included themselves, which made them pause while shouting and stare at each other with curious looks. Some of them licked their lips, for a few of the doctors in the room were very handsome and very...fappable.
As a young anus, Julius Caesar had trouble at school. He kept on telling his teachers that he was not a mere 'young man', but he was an anus, and a damn good one at that. He was right- he was to accomplish many great things in his life as an anus, because he was a damn good anus. And damn good anuses always accomplished many great things.
Now, if I may allow the reader to pause at this point and consider the fact of people being anuses. It is not a question of a person being an anus. It is like calling someone a 'dick'. The person you called a dick is not, in fact, a penis of human proportions. The term is used to refer to people as being a dick, etc, etc. Maybe it was because the person kept on ejaculating white, gooey stuff from their head.
So, if we look at Julius Caesar, and the fact that he was an anus, it was not because he was an actual living, breathing, walking anus- we call him the Anus because he behaved like one, spewing forth crap and stuff that anuses spew. But, if the reader wishes to consider Julius Caeser the Anus as a real living, breathing, walking anus, then the reader may do so. Mind the white goo that comes out of my head as I feel immense pleasure.
As one may recall, Julius Caesar the Anus did not do that well in school. He did not do that poorly, either. After all, he was an anus, and one can never really tell if that was a good shit or a bad shit. It is always a plain 'shit'.
And that is what his high school peers looked at him as- shit. Whenever there were public speeches, he would spew forth garbage that bled everyone's ears. He would sometimes burp, and, strangely enough, his burps sounded and smelled like farts. He would make the entire audience recoil with disgust as he said "I cummed, and I looked, and I was like, 'fuck, I'd tap that'. And I fucking did, bitches." And then he'd fart. Sometimes, with his mouth. Sometimes, with his butt (through his anus...how can he have two?). Sometimes, with both. Sometimes, he'd just...you know, fart.
He just barely passed high school, and as he came out, he realized to himself that college probably didn't exist yet, and he needed to do great things. He needed to live up to his family name.
He needed to be...not the anus, not the anus...he wanted to be The Anus.
His first target was to rise to fame. To do this, he needed to make public speeches. But, he added a little change. Some humans excel at public speaking. Julius Caesar? Well, he, being an anus, excelled at making pubic speeches.
These pubic speeches usually took around two hours. The first hour was him looking awkwardly at everyone while scratching his butt, and occasionally farting. The crowd sometimes bursted into applause for no apparent reason. Fuck, maybe it was because his butt-scratching was so fucking awesome. I don't know.
An half-hour would then be spent trying to make everyone fart at the same time, creating the impression that the square the speech was taking place in was a gigantic anus. This would further deter authorities from bursting into this pubic speech, vomiting in disgust, and since no one likes vomit in their shit, would make some of the audience leave.
15 minutes would be spent doing an anus exercise, Don't ask me how or why.
10 minutes would be spent farting out of one's mouth.
And the remainder of the time would be spent on a shit-filled speech that was delivered with so much energy and charisma that halfway through (two minutes and 30 seconds) everyone forgot what the speech was about and randomly applauded and farted at random points throughout the speech.
After three years of doing this, his efforts were fruitful, and he became the sole emperor of the Roman Empire. Or what it was. Which wasn't much.
Julius Caesar, looking over his city and his empire (which was a shitty, anus-y empire), smiled. Because he knew that this was just the first domino. The rest would fall later, much later. He had a lot of work to do for his empire. And he would do that work, just like an anus would.
Placing his arms across his chest in a very philisophical way, and looking at the sun setting over the horizon, he thoughtfully farted.
"Veni, vidi, vici," he whispered as he looked at a woman shitting in front of an open window across from the palace. Turning her head, she spotted Julius and, yelling out a Latin curse, closed the window.
Julius Caesar farted.