Super Mario Bros. 3 was my absolute favorite game as a child, and it would still remain in a special place in my heart if not for...certain things...that came up later in life.
You see, a couple of years ago, I decided to play this game again. I was lucky enough to still have my old NES and SMB3 cartridge laying around from back in the day...or perhaps not so lucky.
I fished them out of a dusty box up in the attic, brought them in the living room, set up my NES, popped the cartridge in and fired it up.
Now, if you've read other stories like mine, you might think that, magically and inexplicably, the game was all different and creepy. It wasn't different at all. It was exactly the way it's always been. But late in the game, I noticed things I hadn't as a child.
When I got to the last world, I sort of thought, "You got to the end, you dared to play, welcome to hell,". Then I thought, "Yeah, that's actually what the map looks like with all the fire and skulls." Then, when I got to that part with the hands that pull you into a level, I noticed the shape of the map. It sorta resembled a heart. A heart around hell? Does that mean that this game loves hell?
"This game worships the Devil," I thought. Then it dawned on me. Of course it does! Why is there so many inverted cross shapes throughout the levels? A pile of throw blocks shaped like an H...H for hell! What about the card games? Each card has an N on it. Of course, that must stand for Necronomicon! The P blocks and P meter. Obviously possession! Or pentagram. The pentagram makes an appearance everywhere! It's no doubt that the 7 sons of Bowser represent the 7 deadly sins.
You kneel before Satan on the white blocks, and after 6 seconds you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal in one of the fortresses you go through the 6th door! That's 666! Everywhere you look it's the number of the beast. In the movie The Wizard, the introduction of SMB3 is basically the gates of hell opening.
The Devil watches you throughout the entire game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Yeah, literally, the hills have eyes! The King in each world says "Oh, thank heavens," after saving him, when we know there's no need to thank heaven without the presence of hell. There's 8 worlds, and in the 8th world there's 5 spaces you stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal in one of the levels, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H 5 = E 12 = L, what's that spell? Hell!
This game...the game that made my childhood complete...it's a product of the Devil! And when that revelation hit me, the game knew it. Yes, it knew. Satan knew, and he was very pleased that someone finally deciphered his riddle. And so he decided to do a little toying with me, as a reward. I shit you not; Super Mario Bros. 3 was brought to life in that moment. That's not any kind of metaphor. I'm dead serious. The game, NES and all, came to life.
After I figured out the Devil's riddle, I heard a voice. A hideous, rasping voice. It said "Your mother!".
I looked towards the TV. Towards the NES. The NES was hovering off its shelf and onto the floor of its own accord. I was...unimaginably shocked and horrified. All I could say was..."Oh my."
The controller yanked out of my hands, as the NES laughed menacingly in its raspy voice. Then, the controller whacked me in the face and knocked me off the couch. I sat up and rubbed my face. "Oh my God, it's a possessed NES," was all I could muster in my horror. Then...then the cartridge...shat on me. It came out of its cartridge slot (as it was not a toploader), and diarrhea-like substance spewed out from it, accompanied by a disgusting belch, and splattered all over me. When I looked again, the Mario on the cartridge label ACTUALLY HAD A MOUTH. Not just a drawing, but a real mouth right on the cartridge. Its racoon ears were also now replaced by devil horns. And it talked to me. It said, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell."
That little remark snapped me out of my shock. I got up, grabbed the cartridge, looked down at it and said, "The fuck did you just say?"
"I said," the cartridge said as fire began materializing from the Mario artwork and Mario sort of...floated out from the label a little bit (I don't know how to describe something that freaky), "your mother sucks cocks in HEELLLLLLL!" I freaked out and dropped the cartridge with a yell. I made my fingers into a cross and said, "Go back to hell you evil motherfucker!"
"Shove it up yer ass you motherfucking cocksucker!" that...thing...responded as the label continued to get more and more hellish and the mouth began to sort of expand and randomly pop around the cartridge.
I did the only thing I could think of.
"The power of Christ compells you!" I shouted, pointing down at the cartridge and gesturing my arm violently.
"What an excellest FUCKING day for an excorcism!" it exclaimed as it levitated up into the air once more. Still, I continued to shout "The power of Christ compells you!", but nothing happened and SMB3 just laughed and said "Yeah, fuck yer mother."
Then an idea hit me.
"The power of Super Mecha DEATH CHRIST compells you!"
Coming in through the doorway to save the day was Super Mecha Death Christ, jam-packed with state-of-the-art super-charged artillery weapons. He shot at the cartridge, sending it flying against the wall and saying something that sounded like it was in reverse.
"Yeah, Super Mecha Death Christ 2000 B.C. Version 4.0 Beta, bitch!" I shouted in triumph. Super Mecha Death Christ 2000 B.C. Version 4.0 Beta basically shot the shit out of that devilish fuckfest shouting "FUUUUCKERSSS!" and "MOTHERFUUUUCKERRRS!" until it lay in charred pieces on the ground. I could see a pentagram and "666" drawn in sharpie inside the remainders of the cartridges casing.
"Holy shit," I uttered, followed by SMDC shooting me in the face with a laser ("Watch your fuckin' language!" he shouted; need I point out the hypocrisy?).
But it was not over yet. Out of the smoldering rubbish, something rose up and materialized, roaring like a wild animal; a pair of red devil horns, 2 reptillian eyes, and a mouth with very sharp and ferocious teeth. Soon a head and body appeared, and the demon roared. We had to battle and kill Satan himself. That's not something the average guy gets to do.
"FUUUCKERS!" shouted SMDC. Satan and SMDC charged into battle. Shoots, explosions, fire, lasers, roars, FUUUUCKERS. It was very chaotic. I felt I had to help in some way, and I had an idea.
Remember all those accessories for the NES, like the light gun, power glove, etc.? If this heinous creature came out of a video game cartridge, I figured that perhaps they'd hurt him somehow. So I fished them out of my attic (I collect various game things, so I happened to have those around) equipped them as if they were armor and weaponry, and joined the fight with them.
Apparently this...video game Satan...had taken the liberty of bringing my other game consoles and such to life and using them as his minions to attack me. Lovely. So I had no choice but to shoot them all down. I still keep their remains in separate boxes to this day, as a memorial to them. Rest in peace.
After fending them off, I joined SMDC in destroying Satan. After being bombarded by our attacks, his body fell apart into individual pieces, starting with his lower jaw. Eventually, we gave one last, powerful shot, causing him to explode completely, and vaporizing him, leaving nothing behind.
"We annihilated him!" I exclaimed in triumph.
"Yeeess weeee diiiid!" shouted SMDC. After a moment or to, he roared "What da fuck is dat shiiiiiiiiit?"
"All this shit?" I said, looking at my "armor" and "weapons". "I'll tell ya all about it." I told him all about the NES accessories and why most of them suck ass.
To this day, I've never bothered getting another copy of SMB3. Now that I know that it's Satan's favorite video game as well as mine, I will never play it again. The Devil has ruined my childhood (and every other video game console that was in the room at that time), and I'll forever be miserable and empty inside because of it. I hope that if you're reading this, you do not own a copy of SMB3. In fact, it's safer you don't even like it or have played it. You never know how the demon that lives within each and every copy of that game will get to you. If you ignored my warning at the beginning of the story...