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SBemail 206

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Strong Bad E1 HR

Holy crap, this pasta is bad!

 I loved the Homestar Runner website. I would go to it every day and watch the adventures of Homestar, Strong Bad and the rest of the gang. When the Brothers Chaps stopped updating the site in 2010, I was devastated, but two years later, Matt Chapman posted a photo of part of the script for SBEmail 206 (SBEmail was one of my favourite features of the site).

I went to the H*R site 6 months later and typed in the address bar sbemail206.html. It started with a title screen saying "Death" in the Lappy's font. That was unnerving, but I pressed on. It started out as described, with Strong Bad blowing dust and cobwebs off the Compe's screen, when Strong Mad started saying something, but the audio cut out. Strong Bad then answered the email, which went like this:

Dear Strong Bad
How would you like it if we sent you away forever?
1488//666
Attachment: missy_palmer.avi

The content of the email was shocking, and the sender's name more so. The sound then cut back in, then it cut to Strong Mad and the Cheat. The Cheat had been disemboweled and skinned and a pool of blood was coming out of Strong Mad's crotch. He was naked and pressing his singlet against what was left of his manhood, which lay next to the Cheat's corpse. The audio then cut back in, and Strong Mad was crying, however it sounded too real to be acting. Strong Bad then started saying a distorted line of text backwards. I recorded it with Audacity, paused it with my seekbar and then reversed the line of text, and it was:

"Homestar Runner is dead."

The voice sounded eerily like that of Wenanty Nosul from the Nightmare board game's accompanying VHS.

Strong Bad then opened the attachment and it showed Missy Palmer being brutally raped by four men. They were calling her Marzipan. Mike Chapman was bound to the wall, blindfolded and gagged. The cameraman then went into the Chapmans' home recording studio, where two more men were forcing Matt to record lines in the voices of the Homestar characters.

It then cut back to the Compe, where Strong Bad then said "You can't escape", then in Matt Chapman's everyday voice, "You sick ba-", followed by the sound of a man punching Matt. Strong Bad then went out into the Field. The Poopsmith was eating whatsit. He then let out a low rumbling sound that sounded like a human voice. I recorded it with audacity, and reversed it and sped it up. This is what was said:

"I have travelled many miles, trying to find what I am looking for. I have commited many evil acts in this time. Please God, forgive me and cleanse me of my sins. Amen."

It was extra creepy. It was in Wenanty Nosul's voice again.

Strong Bad then saw Homestar raping Marzipan, and he (Strong Bad) let out a scream of pain, as Homestar and Marzipan were destroyed. He then said, in the voice of one of the rapists, "Time for Free Country USA to go boom!" Real life explosion footage and Holodomor footage then began to show. This went on for half an hour, then it faded to black. It remained at black for one minute, then faded back into the ruins of the Compe, flickering. The Paper then came down, and it said "The End. Forever." It then faded out.

A message in AhnbergHand font then came up, saying "If you attempt to tell anyone about what you have just seen, or attempt to save this Flash file, we will hunt you down and kill you, [redacted] of [redacted]. We will also rape your girlfriend [redacted], who resides at [redacted]." It then faded to black and went to mainNaN.html.

I was really scared now, and vomited all over my keyboard. I knew for a fact that I could never watch Homestar Runner again. I threw out my copies of the strongbad_email.exe and Everything Else DVDs, the Strong Bad Sings CD and the SBCG4AP DVD. I then got a box of lighter fluid, tore the pages out of my dictionary and poured it all over the pages. I am about to light the match. I have some words for you before I leave this mortal coil: NE-

(the page here is burnt.)

Addendum

The author of this note was found dead at the charred ruins of his home. His charred corpse was found next to a burnt out computer. A box of matches was partially open on the desk, and there was an empty box of lighter fluid next to some burnt pages. We retrieved the note and took it back to the station as evidence.

Two weeks later, a shirtless man in a wrestling mask and boxing gloves was slashing people in a shopping mall in Atlanta, Georgia. We compared his DNA to that of one of the six rapists in the video mentioned in the note and it brought up a match. All he had to say was, "I AM STRONG BAD."

We tried visiting the URL mentioned in the note. It gave a 404 error.



Written by FokkerTISM.

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