So do any of you remember those Mickey Mouse cartoons from the 1930s? The ones that were just put out on DVD a few years ago? Well, I hear there is one that was unreleased to even the most avid classic Disney fans.
According to sources, it's nothing special. It's just a continuous loop (like Flintstones) of an extremely fat Mickey walking past six buildings that goes on for only half a minute before fading out. Unlike the cutesy tunes put in though, the song on this cartoon was not a song at all, just the constant sound of extremely vigorous grunting and slapping skin for a minute and a half before going to white noise for the remainder of the film.
It wasn't the jolly, skinny old Mickey we've come to love either, Mickey definitely wasn't dancing, not even smiling, just kind of hobbling as if you or I would be walking had we had eaten a hundred Krispy Kreme doughnuts and an entire flock of sheep, with a sweaty, exhausted expression, but for some reason panting violently and clinging onto the window panes for support whenever he could as he kept this pained look. Ten seconds later, he stopped walking completely then yelled loudly, "man, fuck this, I can't finish this fucking marathon," before going offscreen for a water break.
Up until a year or two ago, everyone believed that after it cut to a picture of a giant cheeseburger saying "Exercise saves lives, kids.' and that was it. When Leonard Maltin was reviewing the cartoon to be put in the complete series, he decided it was too junk to be on the DVD, but wanted to have a digital copy due to the fact that it was a creation of Walt. When he had a digitized version up on his computer to look at the file, he noticed something.
The cartoon was actually a billion hours and 4 seconds long. This is what my source emailed to me, in full (he is a personal assistant of one of the higher executives at Disney, and acquaintance of Mr. Maltin himself):
"Firstly, the file was too fat to play on my personal computer, so I had to get an expansion drive and cut it up into sections. After it cut to black, it stayed like that until the 6th minute, before going back into Mickey crawling along the sidewalk. The sound was different this time. It was a murmur. It wasn't a language, but more like wheezing and panting. As the noise got more indistinguishable and loud over the next minute, the picture began to get weird. The sidewalk started to dip down, crushed under the extremely unbearable weight of Mickey's stomping around. And the chubby face of the mouse was slowly expanding into a banana.
On the 7th minute, the wheezing turned into a bloodcurdling yell:
"What the hell do you skinny bitches take me for?! I still have nine-hundred and ninety-nine million nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred-" he stopped to take a breath as he clung onto a lamp post, "-and ninety-nine hours to go? And fifty-two minutes and thirty seconds as well?! Fuck you all."
The picture was getting more obscure. Colors were happening that shouldn't have been possible at the time. Mickey's face began to swell up again and looked like it was about to burst apart. His cheeks became so big they covered his face, and his belly had become a safety hazard, as it hung below his knees and he nearly tripped over it several times.
The sidewalk buckled and cracked. Then it suddenly grew a mouth and screamed, "GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF ME or you'll fall through the goddamn earth!" Mickey cursed the talking ground. Mr. Maltin got slightly disturbed and left the room to eat a healthy salad, sending an employee to finish the video and take notes of everything happening up until the last second, and afterward immediately store the disc of the cartoon into the vault. The employee skipped the video to the last few seconds, because he wasn't going to waste a billion or so hours watching this hella motherfucking fat video. This agonised complaining lasted until 8 minutes and a few seconds in, and then it abruptly cuts to the healthy eating message at the credits of the end of every video with what sounded like fat kids whining in the background.
This happened for about 30 seconds, and whatever was in that remaining 30 seconds I haven't been able to get a sliver of information about. From a security guard working under me who was making rounds outside of that room, I was told that after the last frame, the employee stumbled out of the room with pale skin saying "I have gained several pounds over these last months" seven times before speedily taking the guard's pistol and offing himself on the spot.
The thing I could get out of Leonard Maltin was that the last frame was a piece of Russian text that roughly said "Don't let the sidewalk suffer unnecessarily. Bananas are your only hope." As far as I know, no one else has seen it, but there have been dozens of attempts at getting the file on rapidshare by employees inside the studios, all of whom have been promptly terminated of their jobs.
Whether it got online or not is up for debate, but if rumors serve me right, it's online somewhere under "obesemouse.avi". If you ever find a copy of the film, I want you to never view it, and to contact me by phone immediately, regardless of the time. When a Disney Death is covered up as well as this, it means this has to be something rather lardy-tardy.
Get back at me,
I've yet to find a copy of this, but it is out there. I know it. And when I do, the world will accept that only dieting alone can save us.