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The Interview

The following is an interview with the notorious Jeff The Killer. We flew him into Florida to do a face-to-face interview to see how he is doing today.

KL: Kirk Lloyd (interviewer)
JK: Jeff The Killer (murderer)

KL: Hey, Jeff! Glad to see you could make it.
JK: My pleasure, Kirk. I've been avoiding public contact for years now, and I'm happy to be back.
KL: I thought you regularly killed innocent people?
JK: Don't talk about it.
KL: What do you mean? Newspapers claimed you were a killer! Not to mention the creepypasta.
JK: I apologize. I only had murder on my list of hobbies for about 2 months. I had recently been addicted to painkillers which, as the doctor said, affected my brain greatly.
KL: So you didn't want to kill all those people?
JK: No, I was just in the heat of the moment. I was addicted. The more pills I took, the worse my mental health deteriorated.
KL: Wow.
JK: Yes. I went through rehab to cure myself, and I soon became normal again.
KL: You're just a normal man today?
JK: Yes, that is true. I really regret ganging up on those bullies, and I regret EVEN MORE carving my mouth and burning out my eyelids. Look at me. I'm a freak!
KL: It must suck.
JK: It DID suck. Now, nobody wants to be my friend.
KL: Are you married? Engaged? Dating?
JK: Surprisingly, yes. I have a beautiful girlfriend named Emma.
KL: Are you serious? You can get a girl, but I can't?
JK: I actually have a whole fleet of fangirls just waiting to give me blowjobs. Awesome, huh?
KL: You piss me off.
JK: Let's look at some fanart, shall we?
KL: Oh, fine. Let's hop onto Google, now....
JK: No, man! Use Bing!
KL: No, Bing is stupid! Google's been there since the beginning.
JK: And? Bing is faster and stuff. Google is just that site standing next to Bing. Google is more common, but only because of Google Chrome and stuff.
KL: Exactly! Google Chrome. What does Bing have? "Bing Chrome"? Puh-lease.
JK: I bet Bing will have their own internet browser within a year.
KL: Ok, I'm on Google Images. Let's see... Jeff... The... Killer.......Fanart.
JK: Look at that! So many gals at my becking call. They genuinely find me hot! Sure everyone in my family is dead, but I have a whole new family! A family of sexy girls that love me.
KL: I'm not so sure about that 'sexy' aspect. They're probably all fat basement dwellers who have no other lovers, so are resorted to finding Jeff The Killer hot.
JK: So what! Emma is smokin'. Why don't the other fangirls have to be?
KL: I just have a hard time believing that girls would find a white-faced red-lipped eyelid-missing bloody-mouthed...
JK: *Starts to softly sob*
KL: Oh, did I hurt your feelings?
JK: *sobbing*.. yeah... *whimpers*
KL: I'm sorry Jeff. I didn't mean to upset you.
JK: *sniff* It's okay. I'm just a little sensitive.
KL: I wouldn't THINK you'd be! You murdered your parents, your brother, some bullies, and other unsuspecting victims!
JK: Yeah, well, yeah. Alright, I have to go back to my 5 story $1,000,000,000 mansion in Malibu.
KL: WHAT?!
JK: That's right! I'm rich as hell! I've got beautiful girls, an awesome home, and a giant fanbase! What's not to love?
KL: Well, you better go. You've seen it here first. Jeff isn't a crazed mentally unwell murderer. He's actually a snooty arrogant pompous rich-boy. He made the mistake of letting all the fame get to his head. Who knew. That's all the time we have for now. See you later! (or not)!

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