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January 1st, 2011

Dear Santa,

I realize you are a busy man. It must be hard keeping track of all the kids who write to you each and every year. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would say that such a task was impossible. But, as you have proven time and time again, you are perfectly capable of delivering presents to kids the world over in a single night. Obviously you know what you're doing.

So, tell me this, Santa: why is it that I haven't gotten any presents FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS? Is it because I killed my parents that one time? I don't see how that's such a big deal. Maybe it's the ten-thousand other people I've killed since then. Does that qualify me as "naughty"? If so, you could at least leave a lump of coal in my stocking so I could BASH YOUR SKULL IN WITH IT AND RIP OUT YOUR LUNGS AND LAUGH AS YOU DIEDIEDIEDIEbut I digress...

As you know, it is a new year, which means it's time for people to make their New Year's Resolutions! For my New Year's Resolution, I have decided to give up killing. No longer shall I make people "go to sleep" (so to speak). Rather, I shall wait for them to go to sleep by themselves before I STAB THEM AND DISMEMBER THEM AND SET THEM ON FIRE AND STAB THEM AGAIN AND WAIT, what was I talking about? Oh yes, no more Jeff the Killer. I swear to never kill again.

On one condition.

For your New Year's Resolution, Mr. Santa Claus, you shall promise to bring me exactly what I want for Christmas, every Christmas. You shall deliver the following gifts to me by December 25th, 2011, at exactly 12:00 AM:

My List

  • Lasers
  • A Japanese bullet train
  • A time machine
  • My beautiful face carved into Mount Rushmore
  • A private continent
  • A private solar system (preferably one with an Earth-like planet so I can ENSLAVE THE POPULA...I mean, act as a friendly ambassador from Earth)
  • A private galaxy
  • A private UNIVERSE
  • A PB&J (no crust)
  • An iron maiden
  • A Zeppelin
  • 400 sticks of dynamite
  • 400 metric tons of Napalm
  • A nuclear warhead
  • A spiked metal dildo
  • A talking gorilla
  • A rhino
  • A hippo
  • A herd of flamingos
  • All the bacon my stomach can handle
  • An Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Perrier
  • Flamethrowers
  • A cloned T-Rex with an anti-aircraft gun mounted on its back
  • A minotaur to keep pesky adventurers and vigilantes out of my hideout
  • A big knife (the last one broke)
  • A chainsaw bayonet
  • More lasers
  • The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
  • A gun that shoots guns that shoot guns that shoot guns that shoot ninjas that shoot knives that EXPLODE
  • A lifetime supply of marijuana and LSD
  • Every Pink Floyd album ever (including the compilations)
  • A giant dragonfly from the Carboniferous era
  • A harem of beautiful slave wenches with huge gazongas (no implants, please)
  • A full-grown Sumatran tiger
  • A guillotine
  • The Necronomicon
  • A room full of Turkish Delight
  • 50 pounds EACH of gold, silver, platinum, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, diamonds, and freshwater pearls
  • A diamond-encrusted Mercedes-Benz
  • A panda-skin rug
  • 100 of the finest mink coats
  • A fully-functioning death ray
  • 12 tons of Kobe beef (maintaining my super strength requires a lot of protein)
  • 2 dozen bottles of 150-year-old Rothschild
  • 1500 white cashmere hoodies
  • A cloning machine
  • MOAR LASERS
  • 2 barrels of mead
  • An Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant
  • A giant armadillo/tank hybrid
  • A harpoon. No sinister reason for that one, I just really like harpoons.
  • A two-million-dollar home theatre system
  • A 200-foot-tall statue of me cast in solid bronze
  • A giant killer mecha shaped like myself
  • Every video game Nintendo has ever made, including the unreleased ones
  • An antimatter ray
  • A sacrifical offering of 20 virgins to satiate my bloodlust (either male or female ones are fine, I'm not picky)
  • A freakin' sweet waterslide
  • An enchanted, indestructible suit of armor (not one that will turn on me or curse me, please)
  • Massive pecs, washboard abs, and buns of steel
  • A 12-inch dick
  • Near-godlike virility
  • A katana that shoots lightning
  • A five-star restaurant that will serve only ME (oh, all right, Smiledog, and you too.)
  • A body double to throw off that damn detective who's always on my case. Damn him! No matter what I do to him, he JUST WON'T STAY DEAD!!! Oh. Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah...
  • Functioning wings that can support my full weight and that of another person, preferably batlike
  • A huge velvet cape and warlock collar so I can look like a proper supervillian
  • A huge, sinister pipe organ. I really don't know how to play one, but I took piano lessons for four weeks when I was eight. That's good enough, right?
  • Something that covers my farts, I get embarrassed from farting during a kill
  • +puts pinkie to mouth+ One BILLION dollars
  • A vast, opulent palace and my own private island to store it all
  • Oh yeah, and Smiledog says he wants a new squeaky bone. (mumble mumble...stupid needy mutt...)

Bring all these to me OR I WILL KILL YOU

Love,
Jeffrey

December 26th, 2011

Dear Santa,

You did not bring me the presents I requested. That was a mistake. I went a whole year without killing anybody, yet you still did not come. You didn't even come anywhere near my house. Yet you gave Smiledog his dumb squeaky bone! What's he got that I ain't got?! Let this be your final warning, Mr. Claus: If you give me the presents now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Jeff

March 18th, 2012

WHERE'S MY PRESENTS FATMAN

I TOLD YOU WHAT I'D DO IF YOU DIDN'T BRING MY PRESENTS

I'LL END YOU

I'LL KILL YOU SO HARD, YOU WON'T EVEN BE ALIVE

I'LL GO TO THE NORTH POLE AND BURN DOWN YOUR WHOLE WORKSHOP AND KILL ALL YOUR ELVES TOO

I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR ELVES

AND I'LL STEAL YOUR REINDEER

FUCK YOU SANTA

FUCK EVERYTHING

Aftermath

Jeff gets eaten by a polar bear.

Polar Bear

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