This isn't one of those "Haunted Game" stories. It isn't even a horror story. I can't write for shit. At no point are you going to hear me claim something within the game spoke to me, reacted to my words, or forced me to punch myself repeatedly in the face. The only reason I punched myself repeatedly in the face was because I wrote this story.
This isn't about a glitch or a hidden Satanic message and at no time did I phone Nintendo Headquarters only to have my questions answered by a middle aged man jerking off.
This is just about a game feature most people with lives didn't unlock.
Oh, other than all the cliches in this story.
No ghosts. No conspiracies(except the fact that's all this story is leading up to). Just a secret we were all supposed to find, but never did. Something that changes an entire generation's childhood and the very essence of a multi-million (billion? trillion? QUADRUPILLION?!?!) dollar franchise.
This is about what I assume to be a previously undiscovered alternate ending of Super Mario World for the Super Nintendo, not to be confused with Super Mario World on Xbox.
In 1996, I received my first computer as a birthday gift. I'd been on the internet before, had used computers before, but it had always been in school or at a friend's house (ok i think they bought it, they will never find out I have no friends. OH GOD I TYPED THAT. My backspace doesn't work, which is also why I can't proofread this shit.).
This one was mine. All mine. I explored the crude, pre-historic web of the time with great interest. I liked the internet before it was cool back in B.C.- I downloaded all sorts of pornography and even printed it out, which made absolutely no sense. What also didn't make sense was me talking about this in a story.
I also pirated media like a madman. Music, games, anything, such as that porn I just told you about.
This was where I first discovered Mario World. I was the most sheltered kid ever
I'd never had a Super Nintendo as a little kid, so it was all new to me. I'd downloaded tons of games along with the SNES Emulator, but Mario World was my favorite.
For over a decade, the same Mario World ROM was my time-wasting hobby. (what is Metal Gear Solid? the only game I have ever played is Mario World) I played it over and over again, beating the game faster and faster, AND HARDER, AND HARDER, until I began to lazily explore the worlds with no particular purpose. Just like the life of anyone who only plays Mario.
Game Genie codes helped immensely. I could turn off the timer and re-live a particularly entertaining map for an hour as I waited for a download or any number of boring events. Such as reading creepypastas.
I beat the game thousands upon thousands upon thousands of times.
But then I saw the Blind Boo.
The Blind Boo, as I referred to it, was hovering over the exit from the haunted "Sunken Shipping #OTP" level later on in the game.
I call it blind because it actually had eyes. It was like the real game... but I knew from years upon years of experience that this was a sooper spooky glitch.
The Blind Boo was chillin' near the exit area thingy i had to go in, he even had a lounge chair.
Then I saw something scary.
Children will want to quit out so they won't get scarred for life.
What I saw was...
A KEY AND A KEYHOLE (GOD HAS COME TO REAP THE SINNERS)
You use keys on keyholes to unlock new levels. After 10 years of Mario that is the only life lesson I've learned.
Still, this didn't belong there and I knew it. For a moment, I considered the fact I'd actually BROKEN a ROM file from over-use! I know all about Mario, but nothing about computers!
After taking a screenshot specifically to show all of you Mario Bros. fans out there, you know, the ones who know where every fucking key in the game is, I used the key on the keyhole
It opened a new path.
There was a whirlpool next too Bowser's scary head thingy.
I went over to the drain.
"OH GOD NO"
This didn't strike me as odd, cuz in Mario Bruthas. World edition there are levels with titles such as "Fuck You" and "1v1 me fgt"
And it looked like Mario shit himself. I hope so, because that means the developers read my fanfic.
I entered the upon
Oddly enough, the upon started with the normal "upon" entry animation. But the weird thing was it was playing the ending song for Battletoads but it was in G-major backwards at 500% being played on violin. Mario looked at the White Castle, and went in. He didn't even hold the door open for the old lady trying to leave.
inside the White Castle, it was just a straight line
P.S. all pics were taken with my nearest toaster
Either this game knows I'm stupid or it has a weird sense of humor.
There was no room to jump. No room to do anything but run left and right. I must've gone right for ten to twenty minutes, just holding the B-button and running along at full speed. I know you don't run using the B button, but I'm so cool I change the controls to make them harder. I should run with the G button if you know what I'm sayin'.
Then all of a sudden...
One, one Bling Boo. Two, two Bling Boos.
Until there were...
ONE. TWENTY ONE BOOOOOOOOOOS.
They just kind of hung there, hung like an elephant. They are completely useless and don't do anything. In fact the rest of this until the end is just filler shit. I SHOULD stop writing, but I'm gonna waste 20 more minutes worth of this you aint gettin back.
But something made me run away.
Now I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this map was designed specifically to screw with the player. Not because the giant "Bleeding Bill" was hemorrhaging profusely from its face, but because it was INESCAPABLE. mainly because I suck at this game.
That is, unless you're like me and you have the Game Genie cheats on hand. I switched on the code for permanent invincibility.
And I really hope nobody is like me.
I let it chase me for the lolz, then I killed it. then I saw a message... IN BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD
"GO FUCK YOURSELF"
Well fuck you too you piece of shit. But this must mean this was a map that was supposed to exist.
DID I SAY THIS WASN'T A THEORY? YEAH WELL FUCK YOU THIS IS 4 REEL.
But the question was, who hated me? The first answer I thought of was my parents. But it could be my sister's PS2 getting revenge from when I set it on fire on accident. When you're in a White Castle you found by taking LSD and getting flushed down the drain, a bloody hate message isn't so unbelievable, unless you're playing a game rated E for everyone.
It popped up again
cowabunga... COWAFUCKINGPIECEOFDOGSHIT! THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF MY DICK! THIS GAME IS AS APPEALING AS A FUCKINGOOZE INFESTED DIRTY FUCKING SEWER RAT SHIT! I'VE HAD MORE FUN PLAYING WITH DOG TURDS! SHREDDER'S MY ASS AND SPLINTER'S MY BALLS! THIS GAME IS AN INSIDE OUT ASSHOLE REGURGITATING PUTRID ANAL FECAL MATTER! I'D RATHER FUCKING YANK ALL THE HAIRS OUT MY SCROTOM! I'D RATHER DRINK DIARRHEA VOMITED OUT OF A BUFFALO'S ANUS! IT SUCKING FUCKS, IT FUCKING SUCKS, IT FUCKING BLOWS... and I don't like it.
But ayy the boos are gone now
BUT THEN MORE CAME OUT. THEN A SKELETON POPPED OUT
These boos looked happy. Like they heard Final Fantasy VII is getting an HD remake.
I could see down their throats, which looked suggestive.
AND OF COURSE I'm going to address that message
"YOU ARE A VIRGIN"
NO I'M NOT! I'M JUST SAVING MY VIRGINITY FOR MARIO!
I touched all the boos so they would die.
KILL THEM ALL. ALL MUST DIE. I AM THE LORD OF THE HARVEST. BRING IT DOWN. BRING IT DOWN.
Then nothing happened for 5 hours until I saw a pipe and went in. It brought me too a room with water in it.
The water made sense, unlike this sentence.
After all this shit I got a question block that gave me a mushroom I didn't need
I soon came to a bunch of Thwomps. If you have a life, you don't know what a Thwomp is. Basically they try to crush you. Which is funny how I'm criticizing you, considering I didn't know what the fuck Mario World was until I watched some letsplay (Poodiepie is better) 10 years ago.
These Thwomps seemed pretty successful, had a business and everything.
This was the hyperrealistic bluud that they had under them while they were smashing the ground in a random pattern.
I don't remember there being blood in Mario, and now I have seen it 3 times (actually 4 because of the Bowser head I've wrote a trilogy on, sorry, I have Alzheimers).
I walked slowly, killing each one, saying "FUCK YOU" each time
I must be a sado-masochist, cuz I did that shizzle to kill all 30 of them. So after 2 weeks of that shit, I finally continued.
After the gauntlet of dope-pravity, it forced me to swim to avoid spikes. I was invincible, so it didn't matter, but I did it for fun because I am easily entertained.
But it stopped being fun really fast.
This could only mean one thing. The blood on the Thwomps and all this was dead Marios. The unholy disasters that you sucking at playing has caused.
It was an excellent touch, whoever made it must have a big penis and get all the ladies. He actually broke the 4th wall, and it's clear I don't know what that is.
It was genius (somewhere between genius and retarded) and the creator is clearly the most handsome man ever.
I took more pictures than I white girl every time she is near a bathroom. I'm not showing you them though, because I HATE YOU.
the Marios shot at me like torpedoes and I was like yooooooo then I avoided them, but I also knew INVINCIBLE meant INVINCIBLE. Other than being a zen riddle that is obvious. I didn't want to touch the Marios, because I knew it would hurt my Mario lover, despite the fact they were all dead.
I went in the pipe and got dropped in a corridor. I saw a door where there would usually be a last boss.
There was also a mushroom powerup
But I didn't touch that shit. It's got makeup on.
Well that was anticlimactic.
I went in the door and saw blood lava (what?) and saw something spooky in the window
It might be hard to see it. It took me a while to see it.
FYI that's not usually in this undiscovered level nobody has played but my hipster ass.
Then a familiar face walked in from the right.
Dressed in green, tall, and angry.
It was Luigi.
Mario looked startled and scared, and it's hard to say that without me sounding like a complete tool, but he really did. IM AS SERIOUS AS I AM EDGY U GUISE.
Then Luigi said, sounding like Gilbert Gottfried:
It was all connecting
He was Marios second banana ( if u no wut im saiyan ;) ). The "loser friend who is forced to be player 2 when he comes over despite Luigi jumping better"
No matter how identical he is to Mario in skillset and ability and tenaciousness and girth, he is forced to cry and fap while Mario rescues the princess. Who wouldn't hate Mario. I know most of you hate him after Hotel Mario.
And this whole time Luigi was the real Bowser. Remember when I said there wasn't gonna be any conspiracies?
then Luigi curbstomped Mario as the bridge broke slowly. Then I had an irrational thought. Would in be permanent? Of course not, I have 9 lives. The whole conflict of this story is now meaningless.
But while that happened Mario got up to his feet, but I was too busy clutching my Mario waifu pillow at the humanity to take pictures. But here's some pictures.
But after all this, Mario started to cry on the bridge. This is obviously part of the story. Oh wait Luigi is in the newer Mario games too. STILL TRUE.
Then after it was all done, it went back to the normal game that I will play for the rest of my sad life.
Except the 2 end screens...
Before cutting to...