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Doctor Who Was Phone?

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I was working as an intern at the BBC, and--no, wait, DON’T HIT THAT BACK BUTTON, IT GETS ORIGINAL LATER, I SWEAR!

One day, I was looking through the archives of Doctor Who episodes, (interns are allowed to do that, right?) when I saw a scratched and dirty DVD lying on the ground in one corner of the room. It was labeled "The Cursed Death of Suicide Doctor Who.avi". I took it to my boss, but when I asked him about it, he looked incredibly frightened and a bit offended. He told me not to watch the episode because it was cursed, and also just plain boring. Since I used to be a skeptic at the time, I saw no harm in watching the episode that my boss clearly told me not to watch. I took the piece of BBC property home with me without permission and began watching the episode at home.

It started out with the early 2000s intro, and was a 9th Doctor episode. The theme song was distorted in a way that was hard to convey in text. It was creepy and demonic, but since you won’t be able to listen to it, you’ll just have to guess what I mean by “demonic” and take my word for it that it was creepy.

The episode proper started out like a normal episode, as The 9th Doctor was being chased through the streets of Victorian London by a cloaked figure (probably Jack the Ripper). The Doctor’s eyes looked hyper-realistic, but since he's in live action, it was perfectly normal.

Running through alleys, he eventually lost his pursuer, but stumbled upon the bodies of those who couldn’t. The corpses didn’t look fake. They were covered in stabs and slashes, as they appear to have died a death of a million cuts. The Doctor looked like he was ready to vomit as maggots crawled through their flesh, and one victim had an eye dangling out of its socked and swaying back and forth. The special effects were better than anything the BBC should have been able to afford.

This was all too weird. Nothing about this episode seemed normal. Remember that part where I said it started out like a normal episode? I lied, sorry.

Standing over the mutilated corpses, The Doctor pulled out a cell phone, and began to call his companion; Rose Tyler. As he was giving her instructions on how to pilot the TARDIS. I wondered how The Doctor was able to get a cell phone in the Victorian period and then felt like an idiot for asking myself that.

Skeletonpoppedout

A few seconds after he finished his call, the TARDIS materialized in front of him. He ran up to the TARDIS, but as he opened the door… A VASHTA NERADA SPACE SUIT POPPED OUT!!!

The screen cut to black as the episode abruptly ended. I checked the video file to see if there was more content after the cut to black, but there wasn’t any. Those few minutes were the entire lost episode. It was the worst episode ever, to say the least. It was more obnoxious and stupid than all the worst parts of Fear Her, The Key to Time, and Doctor Who: The Movie put together.

The episode was so horrible that I had to tear out my own eyes. Typing this story blind was a real chore, and I wasn’t even able to get a lawsuit with the BBC, because my boss clearly warned me in writing earlier not to watch the episode. In fact, they sued me for taking their DVD out of the archives and losing it.

That DVD is still out there somewhere, and if you find "The Cursed Death of Suicide Doctor Who.avi", don’t watch it; it sucks.

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